0 Eureka

As I was watching this afternoon TV show that discusses various ups and downs of life, I had a realization. Yes, life is a cycle, and I have to do something about it. I have made the wrong decisions before and I know I can correct it. I have to tap all my talents to become a more productive person and to resolve all my troubles.

I can do this. I will do this.

I just have to make sacrifices from the mean time, give up things (either temporarily or for good) and re-arrange my life, pick up the pieces until I am able to glue up everything back in shape.

And to my friends who never stopped believing that I can stand up and fight however tough the challenges that I am going through, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

To the one Up Above, I know you are just making me realize things. Thank you for opening my eyes. I may be shaken at times but at the end of the day, I am lifting everything to you. Thank you! You rock!;)

I'll keep holding on and fighting. AJA!

1 I am not OK

There, I have said it.

I am not ok.
I feel insecure.
I am down.

And then there were tears...

0 Snail Mail

Well I received a card last week. NO it ain't an e-card on email. Its a real Hallmark card via snail mail. It contained a note of appreciation from a friend. 'Twas really touching. In this world of Internet and email, a tangible card with all the written text in it is indeed a wonderful surprise.

Yes dear, you were able to say your thanks the most memorable way possible.

Thank you too! :)

0 And then the floodgates were opened...

Lately I have been on a shitty ride, financial crisis was on its peak and the emotional drama was high. Yes, I may seem A-okay but am definitely not. The only thing that I cling to is my strong belief that God would never leave me but instead carry me in times of trouble plus my tried and tested friends and loving mom and bro. At times when I think of giving up, I end up crying my a**, and wallowing on self-pity. Yes, I am almost like a beggar asking for a piece of bread. Even the small things that I enjoy such as coffee became a luxury that I feel blessed that mankind has invented such a thing as discount coupons. Little knew how dire my situation is for I don't wanna talk about it. I sacrificed some things which I owned just to cope up with the expenses.

Then came 4th of July weekend. I should have been enjoying Iloilo and Bacolod with mom and bro but mom and I both agreed to postpone the trip. Instead, we opted to go to the nearest mall clinic for check-up. I must say I fear hospitals. There's something eerie in it for me. But then I braved and pushed my luck coz I really don't feel good anymore about something in my system.

Yes, I faced the doctor and found out what was truly bugging me. It is something that would be in my system for the rest of my life (don't worry fellas it ain't HIV). My mom on the other hand, being my dependent, enjoyed her share of health card perks. I even accompanied her when she went for her scheduled lab tests the following day.

What struck my reality was when, since as I have mentioned that we're in a financial trouble, mom texted me that she was thankful that I got her the card for she would not be able to go and have a physical examination and lab test not because of fear but because she would rather use the money in some other ways to ease out troubles. Upon reading the message, my tears fell like an overflowing well. That's when I realized the big difference of how my life is now compared before when we still have a bakery and store that every Sunday lunch was a feast and we get most perks that we deserve (well I actually need to work hard to get it). I was sobbing like a baby and I couldn't care less if I was on board a public van.

Yes I know someday I'll be able to gather myself out of this mess.

So much for my Fourth of July drama.

Later!

0 Starting Anew

I have found my way back. I am returning to the things I love and enjoy. these pet projects include, restoring a bike and using it as well as writing short stories (love stories for that matter)

Some of the plots include:

~A crazy story of two people from some Chinese territory trying to express their love despite the barriers.
~A not so happily-ever-after
~The waiting game

Yes, the stories may be conventional plots but the twists will do the trick...

Later!

0 You

I dunno what kind of bug has bitten me.
The YOU bug perhaps.
Whenever am idle, it is you that occupy my thoughts.
You pop like a speech bubble in my head,
and just like cartoons,
you are there,
doing your thing.
YOU have given me such great memories that I can't erase.
Yes, YOU are permanently inked
tattooed not in my mind
but in this organ enclosed between the bones of my chest
Cheesy, yes.
True, definitely.
You're like a dream that will never be true.
Probably a nightmare that will haunt me forever.

I am starting to hate myself for

being petrified by just a mere vision of YOU
being stunned
being speechless
being occupied with memories that have long should been forgotten. :(

0 Standards

Yesterday, me and my tickles had a text marathon that ended up in a topic about "you-should-have-a-guy-am gonna-introduce-you-to-someone"

On the course of the conversation, upon telling her for the nth time, on how I define the "ideal" guy, I, again, came across this line " The prob Lee is that you are super Ms. Independent and responsible I think it would be hard for me to find someone who would equate or even surpass that the level..."

I dunno. When did being "independent" and "responsible" became a very distracting attitude?

Not that am ranting but thoughts came flooding in:

~am I really that strong that it seems to be that I don't need that other person?
~is being responsible and independent too intimidating?
~if yes, does that mean am on the dead end already? hahaha!

OMG! hahaha!