0 Crossing the Other Side of the Fence

Dear Self,

It has been a while since we've talked. I miss you. I've heard you're having some concerns about your career path and your future plans with Joey.

I know it sounds silly but yes, your concern is real. Just when you thought that it is tough to stay single when all your friends are married, being into that point wherein you are ready to settle down but most of your friends are single is also tough. Tough because you think that it seem out of place to share stories about your plans with your beau to your friends who are pretty much enjoying their single status. It also seems inappropriate to share your thoughts to people who are already married for years as they may not be able to recall the feeling or the issue of "generation" might factor in.

I get it, Ms. Careerwoman. For almost a decade, you were so sure of your career goals. You were so determined to earn. You worked your ass out to sustain a household (which, at it appears now, is unappreciated). However, for the past two years, as you reach a crossroad, the "I-am-so-sure-this-is-my-goal-gal" is no longer so sure of her career path, her economic goals and her future plans. You feel weak because the determination to reach the top in your career ladder is priority no more. You became so laid back that after a challenging and financially-gratifying career, you stopped chasing careers that will make your bank account hefty and instead opted to be in a career path that does not guarantee economic growth and security of tenure. You got used to it already that when doors started opening for you to come back to the career path you dreamed of, you started to doubt your skills and capacity that you are worth more that what you are earning now. That you are far more than this. That your dreams of being made to write started hiding in the shadows of your fear.

Yes, Little Ms. Hopeless Romantic, dreams do come true. Joey is indeed a blessing and having someone to have and to hold despite of your past is something you never thought possible. Your little wish of having your own family and being a wife and mom is near the horizon. But be patient dear. In time, it will all be laid down and planned accordingly. Yes, biologically, you ain't getting younger. But rushing may do you more harm than good. Keep the faith. In time, my dear, in time.

Yes, Ms. Writer. You just need to start stretching those brain muscles. You have tons of ideas that needs to be written. So what if nobody reads it? Probably your friends will. Start writing. Continue achieving that dream. You can do it.

I know what you are thinking. You are beautiful. You have a talent. You just need to unleash it and you have to stay away from people who make you feel you are not good enough.

You can do it.

0 Masinsinang Usapan

BLOG: Pssst... Oo, ikaw. Lilingon pa. Musta ka naman? Ano ng ganap mo? Antagal mong di napadalaw ah.

ME: 'Eto lutang...ewan...di ko alam.

BLOG: 'Yan tayo eh. Nakakaalala lang na may outlet s'ya pag lutang. O s'ya, kwentuhan mo naman ako sa ganap ng buhay mo.

ME: Eh alam mo namang mahina ako magkwento...

BLOG: Oo nga pala. O s'ya, dating gawi. So ano na ngang ganap mo sa nakalipas na taon?

ME: Ito, nagtuturo. Alam mo astig nga eh. Nagtuturo na rin ako ng Journalism saka Intro to Comm. Ang astig ko na 'no? Tapos Advertising. Hanep! MassComm na talaga ang linya ko blog...

BLOG: Eh bakit parang 'di ka masaya?

ME: Masaya ako no...

BLOG: Utot mo! Kilala kita oi! Ako pang niloko mo. Anyare?

ME: Eh kasi blog bigla akong parang nalunod sa dami ng trabaho. Isama pa na parang di naiintindihan ni Mama at Bunso na academe na yung work ko. Eh alam mo naman ako, tapang-tapangan. Kunwari di iniida ang mga bagay-bagay. Ayun, sumabog. Well, 'di naman talaga sumabog. Biglang naramdaman ko nalang na ayaw ko munang magturo. Kaya ayun 2 araw akong absent.

BLOG: 'Nakng! Panong sweldo mo?

ME: Edi wala. Nganga. Di ko na naisip yun eh.

BLOG: Anong ginawa mo?

ME: Nagtulog. nagtulog at nagtulog. Naglaboy ng walang direksyon. Uminom at tumawa kasama si Mira.

BLOG: Kamusta namang mag-nomo?

ME: Masaya. Kasi nakatawa ako ng wagas. Kasi hindi ako nagpanggap kung ano ako.

BLOG: Ikaw nagpapanggap? Bakit?

ME: Kasi nga 'di ba guro na ako ngayon, so dapat mabuting ehemplo sa mga bata. Bawal maging gago, mahirap ng mapulaan. Kaya ayun, dapat kagalang-galang ang peg. Mahirap. Nakakasakal din pala. Saka syempre, 'di naman sanay sa academe na balahura at bargas ako.

BLOG: Sh*t dude! Seryoso yan?

ME: Oo eh. Kaya buti nalang nag-aya mag-inom si Mira. Kahit papano nakawala ako sa kural.

BLOG: Pero imposibleng 'yan lang ang problema mo Tsong. Yung totoo, ano pang ganap mo? Si Papa Joey ba? Uupakan ko yun!

ME: Uy huwag. Di s'ya. Mahal ko 'yun.

BLOG: Ayan nanaman tayo eh, tapos pag iniwan ka nguyngoy ka nanaman sa piling ko. Siguraduhin mong maayos yan ah...

ME: Maayos yun 'tol. Natutuwa nga ako dun. Kasi kahit anong topak ko, kahit hirap akong magpaliwanag ng sarili ko, naiintindihan n'ya. Alam nya kung gusto ko lang tumahimik or gusto ko mangulit. Partida pa 'di kami magkasama nun.

BLOG: Wow tsong! Congrats! Nakatagpo ka na ng sing-autistic mo.

ME: 'Nyeta ka ah. Di mo na ko ginalang.

BLOG: Mahal mo nga, napipikon ka eh...mabalik tayo sa usapan. So... bakit ka nga tinopak?

ME: Siguro ininda ko yung feedback nung mga estudyante ko.

BLOG: Bakit?

ME: Kasi medyo masakit ang sinabi eh. Kesyo nanghuhula daw ako ng grade. Di daw ako nagtuturo ng mabuti. Partida, ito yung Journalism class ko.

BLOG: Ungas pala 'yun eh.

ME: Siguro kaya ako apektado kasi kilala mo naman ako, alam mong ang tanging bagay na confident lang ako ay ang pagsulat. Kaya pinagsamang suntok sa ego saka sakit na tipong bigla kong gustong punitin ang diploma ko. Kasi biruin mo, apat na taon kong pinag-aralan, halos buong career life ko pagsulat ang ginawa ko tapos ganun ang sasabihin sa akin, di ko maituro ng maayos ang magsulat ng balita. Tangina! Kulang nalang tumambling ako sa klase nila. Mapuyat kababasa ng basura nilang manuscript tapos aangasan nila ako. Oo na, mayabang na kung mayabang pero alam mo yung feeling na nauubos ang panahon mo sa kanila tapos wala man lang appreciation. Akala ba nila yung 660 na nakukuha ko sa isang pagtuturo sa klase nila eh sapat na para yurakan nila ang talento ko. Tangina talaga eh! Alam mo kung yung World Lit, Intro to Comm, Business Comm at lalo na kung yung English classes kong nagsabi nyan, mas matatanggap ko kasi alam kong di ko gamay, pero nakngtokwa! Of all classes sa Journ class ko pa. Leche! Ni 'di nga sila makapagsulat ng matinong original work. Nagplagiarize pa. Tapos akala ba nila ang MassComm pacute at pabebe lang. Bwisit! Hindi ba nila alam na pag sinabing MassComm grad ka laging nakadugsong yung though na "Uy magaling sumulat yan." Oo na, mabuti sana kung thought lang nung article ang sabog. Hindi rin eh. Ultimo grammar sablay. Tagalog nalang sablay pa rin.

BLOG: Puso mo 'te...

ME: Sorry. Kaya ayun. Di ko muna pinasukan last Saturday. Bwisit sila. Baka kasi mamura ko ng katakot-takot.

BLOG: Eh kay ermats at utol, wala bang ganap?

ME: Isa pa 'yan. Di mag-usap. Lagi nalang utos kay Ate. Ate pakigawa. Ate pakiasikaso. Pag 'di mo napgbigyan or di mo nagawa, ikaw pang mali. Blog naman...tao lang ako...

BLOG: Mag-asawa ka na kaya...

ME: Leche! Hahahaha! Napatawa mo ko dun. Pero hindi sagot 'yun. Mag-thesis pa ako. Alam mo namang jowa ko. Tapat sa pangako.

BLOG: So ibig sabihin walang tumbling na nagaganap?

ME: Sinabi mo pa. Inaasar na nga ako ni Rae. Magmomongha na raw ba ako. Lintek na yun. Uy, ikakasal na 'yun. Akalain mo. Papasakal na ang loka. May willing victim. Hahahaha!

BLOG: Teka Lee...

ME: O?

BLOG: Alam ba ng tropa mo sa academe na topakin ka? Na may moment kang nagpapaka-ermitanyo at bumabalik sa loob ng shell.

ME: Yun nga eh. Hindi. Feeling ko nga naninibago sila. Napikon pa man din ako last time. Pero nag-sorry naman ako kasi na-realize kong impolite namang ginawa ko. Tapos na-wrong send si Mutya. So ayun, medyo nakapagpaliwanag na ako.

BLOG: Ah... eh hayaan mo muna. Basta iparamdam mong di ka naman galit.

ME: Oo naman. Nilapitan nga ako nung isang co-faculty ko eh. Kinausap nya rin ako.

BLOG: Tapos?

ME: Ayun, pinaliwanagan nya ako. Motherly paliwanag.

BLOG: Ah... pero kamusta ka naman na?

ME: Um, ayos na.

BLOG: Yung totoo?

ME: Ewan ko. Hindi pa yata. Siguro pag natapos na yung term ko sa STI at 'di ko muna makikita yung mga bagets. Saka naiingit ako sa mga co-faculty ko. Nakakausad na sila sa thesis nila. Ako 'eto pa rin. Kasalanan ko rin naman.

BLOG: Naiisip mo pa rin ba yung bayarin mo sa banko?

ME: Oo. Pag natapos na yun makakahinga na ako ng mas maluwag. Di bale 2 months nalang.

BLOG: Yun naman pala eh. Tama ng topak. Tandaan mo, ok lang na minsan maging selfish, meaning, kung feeling mo 'di ka OK, huwag ka na mandamay ng mga estudyanteng walang kinalaman sa mga pangyayari. Sa ganung pagkakataon, huwag ka na pumasok ng work at mag "ME" time. At, huwag kalimutan si Papa Lord.

ME: Hindi naman eh. Nagsimba nga ako nung isang gabi. Naiyak ako. Namiss ko tuloy ang Greenbelt Chapel.

BLOG: Halika nga dito.

ME: Bakit?

BLOG: Yayakapin lang kita ng mahigpit. Huwag kang matakot umiyak. Hindi ikababawas ng pagkatao mo yun. Saka ang friends mo, kaya sila sinugo ni Lord para tulungan ka. Iniisip mo nanaman siguro pabigat ka no?

ME: Oo.

BLOG: Ungas ka din eh. Hindi ka pabigat. OK?

ME: OK.

BLOG: O sya... magtuturo ka pa bukas. Huwag ng tatamarin. At huwag masyadong hard sa sarili mo. At yung mga estudyante mo, huwag mo na dibdibin yun.

ME: Salamat blog ah... ayabyu...

BLOG: Sya, sya... baka magselos ang boyfriend mo. Goodnight.

ME: Night.    

0 Blessings

The start of this year has been a turmoil. Despite all the ups and downs, still, I am thankful. Thankful because God never fails to bless me and my family.

My brother is now back home. He gave me various gifts, which were all unexpected. The only thing I wished for was a new laptop, which I told him that I'll pay. However, he suddenly mentioned that I need not to pay for it. I was caught off guard and was really overwhelmed. I feel so blessed, not because I suddenly have material things that I know that even if I can afford it, I won't buy it for myself, but because I am showered with love by my brother. I never thought this is possible. I got really misty eyed with the thought and I'm thankful to God for being always there for me in this down times and for giving me a loving mother and brother. I thank Him for using my family as instruments to show me how much He loves and cares for me. I couldn't ask for more.

To my brother, thank you. No words can express my overwhelming love and thanks.

LeeLai

0 July is Reunion Time

July 4,

Star City bonding with my girl friend Ria. Had tons of laughter and fun with the rides. :) 

July 5,

Attended and "hosted" the family reunion of my mother's maternal clan. 'Twas a huge family gathering, so huge that it's hard to recall every face and name. It was heartwarming and fun though. 

We are still missing some members here. :)

July 6, 

I attended a church service together with Mom, my aunts and cousins. It was an invitation extended to me by my cousin, who was the guest preacher that day.

His preaching was about the power of our choices. While he was delivering his talk, it felt like he was personally talking to me. What he described was exactly the things that I've been going through since this year started. I learned how to let His will be done, leaving an unhealthy job and taking a different career path, which I felt was an answered prayer right from the start. It wasn't as financially rewarding and am still adjusting but am happy.

What's more humbling is that people welcomed me and Mom warmly despite the fact that we have a different religion. The best part, praying with your family and still having respect with each other despite the differences.

And here's a note to my beloved Kuya:

Kuya, 

You might not be able to read this but you moved me. You just don't know how it made an impact and made me realize further that I made the right decision of following His will. I may have different set of practices and beliefs and would probably stick to them but I truly understood the lessons you've shared and would do my best to use it as my guide as I take this new journey. Thank you. 

 July 12,

I had a chance to spend an afternoon of catching up with my SB ladies. Pizza's good and so was the coffee c/o Marie. Gian was a breakthrough with her "Eureka!" moment. >:)

No dull conversations when you're with a bunch of intellectual and strong-willed ladies. :)

July 18,

Heard a good news from Team Awesome's Baby Girl. She finally chopped the cord that links her with our former company. Horray! For that, we have to celebrate both your natal and liberation day. Yay!

Ice cream and crepe party soon ladies! :)

 July 18-19,

One bottle of brandy + starlit rooftop + two outrageously funny and wonderful friends = bonding overload

Had some shot and tawa overload with two of my gal pals from high school. That plus a great movie (thanks for the influence) and sumptuous dinner (Manok ng Diablo is definitely two thumbs up). Having great friends is indeed a gift from God. :)

Wish you were here, Shang! 

So far, minus the inconvenience caused by the wrath of Glenda, I am having an absolutely wonderful month.

Later,

LeeLai

0 When a door closes, a window opens.

I've closed a chapter of my career. At first, I'd say, I had bitterness and a bit of guilt for being irresponsible and just leaving it all behind. But for my sake, it was indeed time to let go.

After almost three months, I went back to that place to totally seal that chapter I had with them. It was bittersweet that it had to end up with a summon before they took action to a pretty simple request, which is rightfully mine in the first place. However, though I tried fighting for my rights, it got tiring. I really didn't get the entire claim that was due me, but it was better than having none at all.

There was somehow nostalgia when it dawned to me that in a way, I belonged there. It was, in a way, brought me a sense of pride upon seeing remnants of what was used to be mine. While the entire office was rearranged, most of my stuff were kept almost untouched. I could still see notes I wrote posted on the walls, cork board and written on the white boards. The reports they're writing is still patterned to the format I have established during my stay. Upon asking around, I found out that nobody is permanently occupying my former space, it is left open to those who might need to use the fax machine or who need an extra table. While I was on the process of healing and happily moving on,my memories still live somewhere in that tiny spot in Makati. It did not made me sad, instead I felt a surge of pride that I am not forgotten, that I have contributed a lot and was able to touch lives. Or maybe that kick of pride is from knowing that somehow, somewhere, someone is having a hard time letting me go.

Though its a bit of annoying to know that rumors about me was spread to Clients (well knowing my former boss, it shouldn't be a surprise). However, what made me smile was the fact that though I might have had some work-related misunderstandings with my former colleagues, they stood up against his perception of who I am (or so they say). One even tried reaching out to me, asking for apologies that he wasn't able to really talk to me during my short stay that Friday afternoon. He was just being cautious, and being from that office, I know exactly how he feels. I was also able to patch things up with a colleague after months of being civil. It took me by surprise. We went out for a drink and we were able to sort things out. What caused our misunderstanding was miscommunication all over. She already asked for her apologies so do I for just brushing her off without hearing her out. Yes, time does heal all wounds.

I think, overall, I can say that I've done my job well. It was a career that I started loving. As what a friend told me, sometimes, its wise to love your job but do not expect the company to be always fair to you and will love you back.  

After leaving the company last March, I have learned a lot about myself. I began to really start looking at my priorities and setting my goals. I am also happy to be reunited with Him, whom I kinda took for granted for quite sometime. Guess, when you truly surrender to God, He would fix things and bless you in ways you wouldn't expect.

There are things that am thankful though as I close this chapter. I have gained lifelong friends and experiences worth remembering. I have learned how to be assertive of my rights and speak up for myself. I may not have mastered it yet, but I'm getting there. I was able to realize the importance of upholding your work ethics, no matter how shitty the work environment may be. 

I've now started weaving a new career path as a University English instructor. I have a sense of pride and happiness with what I do now. It is not as high earning as my former jobs, and I may struggle with my finances but I can say that I am OK. I believe that God will provide, the way He has done during my bum moments. He used people to reach out to me and assist me as I walk into this new beginning. I guess, with this new endeavor that I have now, I just need to keep the faith and let His will be done.

At the end of the day, I have lived to my values to do good and be good.

Later,

LeeLai

0 The Bum Chronicles

50 days and still counting.

Having long breaks is something I was not used to. During my last days in college, I could vividly remember juggling my training for a BPO company while reporting to the University to fulfill my graduation requirements. I even requested from my trainer if I can be late for the shift the night after my graduation (which, if I am not mistaken happened on May 5 as well, some eight years ago).

I started working early not because I was required but  because it was an obligation I felt I have to fulfill. I jumped from one job to the next, in calculated moves. I made sure that I won’t have an idle moment for long. Economically, I cannot afford to do so.

Before, I signed job offers, not because it was my dream job but because it was somehow related to the college degree I finished and at the same time, somehow it offered competitive pay.

Until March 2013. I was offered a job that I, without a doubt, accepted. The job description was something new, the nature of work was something I would surely learn from. It was something that somehow I see myself loving and doing for a long time. It was challenging for me. That, plus a competitive pay made me say "I do."

The 11 months I spent in my ex-company was a roller coaster ride. I learned a lot about myself. It strengthened my work ethics. I gained friends who showed me my potential and never would tell me to my face if I sucked. It also made me realize how patient I am and I developed the need to be assertive, all of which I am thankful. 

But my love for the job and the company dwindled and was replaced with hair loss and chest pains. It was getting to a point that my dedication was no longer worth it.

On March 17, I decided to resign. Unmindful of the consequences. It was immediate and irrevocable.The resignation was a mix of emotions. I felt guilty, in a way, because I was, at the back of my mind, thinking what will happen to the company and the clients that I'll be leaving behind. On the other hand, it felt like a load of my chest. And I felt happier, relaxed and at peace.

Then it hit me. This is the break that I need to truly decide what I wanted to do in my life. I am bothered because I have never been idle this long. But this situation gave me the opportunity to do things that I should have done a long time like fixing my IDs and my papers. It gave me a moment to think what I truly wanna do in my life. And this situation made me more thankful to God for helping me now that I am down. He never failed to send people who would assist me to overcome this situation that I am into right now. 
Reality check, economic needs came knocking in. Thankfully, my mom and bro understood my situation. They're there for me. Literally and figuratively. 

Somehow I feel uncomfy being bum. I am at a point, at times, worrying the lack of invitation for job interviews. In a way, I felt that my current career aim is too ambitious. But as what a good friend told me, I should start chasing my dreams no matter how big it is. And that's what am doing.

I am still clueless as to how long I will remain a bum. I don't intend to be like this for life. In fact am starting miss the feeling of being "workaholic." My time will come. I believe it will. But for now, I guess, I just have to embrace what life is offering me. 
 
  

0 Mistaken Identity

My sleep was interrupted earlier today by an anonymous phone call. I answered only to realize that the lady on the other end was accusing me of being her husband's 'other woman.'

Before, receiving phone calls such as this irks every nerve in me that I respond all defensively., hence prolonging the conversation. Earlier, when the lady didn't stop all the litany, I just said "pasensya na po, hindi ko talaga alam ang sinasabi nyo."

She even texted that she was sure who I am and that "papatulan ko ang asawa nya." I dunno but for some reason, I calmly told her:

"Weird, buti ka pa kilala mo ko and alam mong 'papatol' ako sa asawa mo. Last time I checked, I wasn't dating anybody nor seeig someone. Ma'am, bago po kayo mag-accuse, paki double check po ng facts ninyo. And kung may problema po kayo ng 'asawa' mo, I think its best na pag-usapan nyo pong dalawa rather than blaming me of things I haven't done or I wasn't aware of doing. Have a blessed day ahead..."

On that note, the lady stopped her incessant calling and text. 

Since I know I agreed to have a date with this guy from the past, I clarified to him if he's single, with gf, or married. He told me he is single and asked that we meet today for a date. I said yes.

Somewhere between planning where and when are we gonna go out, he asked if we could go on a "private date." 

That invitation was a major turn-off. I wasn't born yesterday to not realize that there is something more that happens on those "private places." 

Then it hit me, last Friday, I was feeling "alone." Last night, I did sought Him. Today I got answers. I am not alone. And the incident earlier today opened my eyes to answers. Of who to keep and who to dump in my life. 

And I am happy that I remained calmed and composed during the two scenarios. What a way to start my Sunday morning.

Later, 

LeeLai