0 Unreliable Ako. Bow,

Ipinagkakanulo na ako ng mga luhang pilit sumisilay sa aking mata. Manhid na ang pakiramdam. Pagod na ang isip na umintindi. Na pagbulayan kung sino ang tama, ano ang mali o saan nagkamali. Mahirap pakitunguhan ang damdaming samu't-sari. Hindi pa man nakakapagsalita'y pagod na ang mga labing usalin ang mga paliwanag.

Unreliable.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na alam kung saan lululugar, kung paano makikitungo. Siguro nga'y sadyang hindi ko binigyang pagpapahalaga kung ano mang bagay ang meron ako. Ngunit paano mo pahahalagahan ang isang bagay na sa simula pa'y minarkahan ka na. Na alam mong kahit anong pilit mong ipakita ang iyong kakayahan ay hindi yun magiging sapat upang umabot ka sa standard. Maaring masyado akong naging "petiks."

Sabi nga, sa isang libong tamang iyong gagawin, ang isang pagkakamali ay magdudulot ng lamat na higit sa dami ng tamang naipakita. Sadya bang mas madaling sabihin ang panlilibak kesa umusal ng papuri't pasasalamat?

Siguro nga'y sadyang balat-sibuyas lamang ako, o di kaya'y nasaling ang pride. Aminado akong nakagawa din naman ako ng pagkakamali. Siguro nga'y mas naging matimbang ang aking mga pagkakamali.

Isisi na lang natin ang lahat sa akin ng matapos na ang rigodon...

0 Days Short Before 2010

Working my way to having a better and more fruitful year ahead.
WoW from someone in the land of maple leaves:

"If it's not working already, learn to let go..."

I will in a...
Month
Week
Day.

1 Click!

I know am still sloppy in terms of using my new baby but still lemme share to you some pics

0 The List

The latest members of my gadget/goodies kingdom

a.) Canon EOS 1000d
b.) Boxing uniform
-- Nike Cross Trainers
-- Yellow Hand Wraps
-- Boxing Shorts
c.) Red Swatch watch (got it for free baby!)
d.) 350 gig Fujitsu HDD
e.) A Starbucks planner

Wish list:

a.) A pair of purple 8oz Twin gloves
b.) Coffee maker
c.) Electric Fan
d.) Stove Top Oven
e.) DVD player

In the list which I made last year, here are my so-called accomplishments

a.) A Passport
b.) A Sun Cellular phone line
c.) Credit card approval
d.) A touch-screen mobile phone

And these are the things I miserably failed to do: (very lazy me)

a.) Submit my masteral requirements on time
b.) Get an SSS ID
c.) Visit NHMF regarding our home mortgage
d.) Settle dad's death claim
e.) Open a bank account

1 Inked

I now dub thee
"Water-bearing Hibiscus"

0 That salty water from the windows of one's soul

Working from home over the past month has given me a lot of idle time to reminisce the things that occurred this year. It is ending anytime soon but I feel like there are still a lot of heart-stopping moments about to unleash. With all those emotionally-challenging events, it is but amazing that tears were never a constant companion. In fact, it swayed away from stinging my eyes. One of the two, am already too numb or past circumstances had already molded me to become strong.

This coming thanksgiving, am planning to run away somewhere far. I know that island is such a happening place but to be in the company of strangers for days somehow gives me that inner peace since I don't have to deal with explaining myself. I could cry by the shore or sit by the rocks, write things in the sand, have my body tattooed and nobody would give a shit.

And yes, I miss the feeling of having cried my heart out... It makes me feel better. Guess I've cried my share when pappy left... :(

0 Solitude

While...

~raindrops kept pouring outside like there's no tomorrow
~everyone's getting married or preparing for motherhood
~some are enjoying being with their love

Here I am...

~ listening to the rhythm of the rain
~ sipping a hot cup of coffee
~ enjoying the bliss this solitude brings in the land I call 'home'

Alas! Life though not perfect but indeed at its finest... :)

1 Preso Kalayaan

Bukas, sa isang pirasong papel ay lalagda ako upang maging ganap na isang taumbahay.
Madami pa ang maaring mangyari, pero ang alam ko, siguro'y paraan na ito upang magsimula ako ng bago, mas bago. Ilang taon ko na ring iniinda ang mumunting kirot na hatid ng paligid na aking ginagalawan sa nakalipas ng dalawang taon. Sadyang kaybilis lumipad ng mga sandali. Heto ako ngayon at kumakawala sa bangungot ng kahapon, hindi sa paraang patakas bagkus marahil ay natapos ko na ang takdang taning upang inidahin lahat ng pait at makamtam ang kalayaang sadyang dapat ay matagal ng napasaakin. Malungkot ang maging tila preso sa apat na sulok ng aking tahanan ngunit na nakalipas na panahon ay naging piping saksi ang mga pader nito sa mga hikbi at luhang aking pilit na kinukubli sa mata ng madla. Sigurado, maraming bagay akong hahanap-hanapin. Ang tunog ng kalyeng sa simula pa'y mababakasan na ng kaginhawahan. Ang mga nagkikislapang ilaw sa mga mall at gusaling aking araw-araw dinadaanan. Ang busina at usok ng tambutso mula sa mga pampasaherong bus. Ang pikikipagsiksikan sa MRT, pagpilit gumising ng maaga upang dumating lang din naman ng late sa trabaho. Samu't saring bagay na naging parte na ng aking pang araw-araw. Alam ko, hindi ito ibibigay sakin ng walang dahilan o kung walang buting idudulot. Marahil panahon na upang pagbulay-bulayan ko ang aking mga saloobin, mga paniniwala at mga adikhain. Hindi ako sumusuko, bagkus humaharap ako sa panibagong yugto ng aking buhay. Sa mga nakasalamuha, nakatalamitam, nakaututang-dila at nakasalsalan ko ng isip...SALAMAT.

Oo. Marahil ako'y tila magiging isang preso sa aking mumunting sulok. Pero ang pasyang ito'y mas magdudulot ng mas malalim na kalayaan sa aking puso't isipan.

Hanggang sa muli bayan ng komersyo...Salamat sa mga alaala...

1 Next Chapter Please

Shock was indeed an understatement.
Human I am. I won't pretend that everything's fine. I'll cry a tear or two, but after that, I know I'll be better and far stronger. No use to crying over spilt milk.
We are all matured enough to face another day.
And to move forward to a more colorful horizon.

Whatever is in store for me, que sera sera...

0 Try

Try honesty.
Really.
It ain't a bad thing.

0 Gonna Catch Yah

After waiting for weeks and tons of good reviews from family and friends, I decided to give in...

See yah later, alligator!

0 Bull's Eye

So me. Exactly. Thanks Amber!

1 Pluma

Minsan parang ayaw ko ng sumulat.
Bakit?
Dahil parang hindi ko rin naman makuha kung anong gusto nila
At alam ko rin namang
Markado na ako.
Na hindi ako sing-galing tulad nila.

Sabi ng isang kaibigan, wag daw mag-alinlangan
Dahil ang antas ng talino ay iba-iba
At tiyak mapapanglaw ang may lalang
Pag ang talento'y di pinagyaman.

1 Onion Layers

According to the Social Penetration Theory, getting to know a person and starting to build rapport is rapid at the start but it becomes slower when one starts getting deeper and already nearing the inner core of the other person, which could range from his deep dark secrets, emotions and deep-seated values. Just like an onion, it gets tightly packed on the middle. Getting to the core means dealing with the depth and breadth of the person, which can be really touchy.

There is also a point when one depenetrates in a relationship, let's say something bad happens and you decided to start staying away from the person. You get to move away from his inner to outer core little by little until such time you become plain old acquaintances.

Lately, it seems like this whole theory is getting on me, on the reverse side though.

Little by little, am starting to move inch by inch away to most people. Or so I think.

Or maybe the circumstances lead me to this feeling and that it is not I who is moving away but them.

And during this times, I abhor studying communication theories... :(

0 The Gamble

The matters of my heart has become a hot topic for most of my gal pals from different circles over the past couple of weeks. Nobody's betting on who or what, however, they are unanimously rooting for a particular person, telling me that if the guy makes me darn happy then I should go for it.

One friend even compared this heart game into a card game, she explained to me all her cards, all her options. She even said something about her prayers. However, at the end of the day, she reiterated that she won't gamble me that easy. That she, along with another circle of gal pals, will hate to see me crying a river again. She also cleared that she ain't the one involved here and the decision will still come from yours truly.

Yes girls, I certainly agree. All your options were so damn pleasant to the ears. But still, it is anybody's ballgame. And we don't even know how is it going on his end. I can only wonder and hope and pray. However, I believe that if God would allow it, then I can say that yes, there truly are miracles.

Que sera sera...

0 Getting Hitched

Two years ago, I met this wonderful lass. Lil did we know that we would become really good friends. To my surprise, she woke me with her text message last August 8, informing me, that yes, as the title of this post goes she's getting hitched August 15.

Initial Reaction: Dropped jaw, really erratic heartbeat and a short "EWAN" sms.

Lemme share the scenario. About a month ago, she asked if I could help her arrange her "cousin's" wedding. The dutiful friend that I am agreed. I emailed her notes, texted her reminders and gave her a call whenever she has queries. Out of the blue, I told her in one of our conversations, "If I know, this is your wedding that we are preparing..." Zoom in to August 8, yes the running joke boomeranged on me. It was her wedding all along. Christ!

She even misinterpreted my reaction that I wasn't happy for her. It ain't true. You may have told me the best and the worst times of your relationship but it does not give me the right to be unhappy. On the contrary, I am truly happy.

I being her dutiful friend, agreed to be her wedding coordinator/emcee.

Fast track to August 14. Note to self , not to sleep beside the bride the night before her wedding. You won't get a good night sleep. Seriously. ;)

August 15. The ceremony went the way the groom and the bride wanted it to be. And am so happy to be able to contribute and make their dream come true. A bonus was that though it was raining cats and dogs outside, it was raining men at the venue. Handsome guys in their own rights. And I was able to meet fun people who were also willing to make the event fun as well.

Funny part of the wedding was when the groom asked me to sleep with them at their condo unit. I politely said no. What the hell am I suppose to do there? Judge? Referee? Or scorer perhaps? You decide...

To the newlyweds, need I say more? I have already written those on the dedication notebook.

Oh wait, looking forward to the pictures though... And to my future God child... :)

1 Inferior

How to explain being little?
Is it
Being vertically challenged?
Or
having less cerebral prowess perhaps.

How do you gauge greatness?
superiority?
intelligence?

And when one feels inferior
who is to blame?
is it
himself?
the superior ones?
or
the standards?

1 Hey You

Hey you, yes you...
I wanna let you into what I feel
The nostalgia you bring during my solitude
A bliss that turned into longing

Hey you, yes you...
I crumble, I stumble
I may not look so
But God knows I do...

Hey you, yes you
In a line I put these verses
Plain and simple
I miss you.

0 Dreaming of a White Graduation

Now I realize, I love being in school and challenging my mind in studying people and how the society walk/talk/react.

What was more amazing was when my undergrad thesis was passed around the class by our professor as an example. Though I was so happy to see how they scan through the pages and felt so proud about my work, I also felt pressure...pressure on the underlying, unexpressed, expectations. In a few weeks time, I am going to face the same people who took a glimpse of my sample work and answer all the nerve-racking questions as they scrutinize my paper.

Some classmates jokingly stated they wanna drop already. Research writing ain't a piece of cake really. It just takes time and deserve utmost attention, or lemme say dedication.

I know one day, am gonna march that stage wearing that white thingamaging around my neck (sorry, dunno the term for that color-coded cloth you put above your toga, hehehe!)

But for now, back to reality, starting to work my ass again...

Till then...

0 The Trouble with Economics

Twas a warm Sunday when my younger brother and I decided to go out to splurge moolah and make stores richer (we haven't done that for months now). He was contemplating whether or not to buy a DQ or a cup of frappuccino since, upon his observation, a cup of Blizzard at Trinoma costs more that how it used to in other branches. And so the conversation goes:

Scenario: Headng to All Flip Flops, he was walking ahead of me.

KidBro: Bakit ganun, sa DQ Araneta Center, cheaper yung Blizzard tapos mas malaki yung size, bat dito, same price smaller size?
Me: Really? Well ganun talaga, recession eh, lahat na halos nagmahal.

He slowly looks at his back, caught my eye and said

KidBro: Oo nga ate eh. Ikaw na lang ang hindi nagmamahal.

And there I was, standing and staring at him. The only thing I was able to utter was a sarcastic "Salamat ha."

So much for knowing the world's global recession issue.