0 Eureka

As I was watching this afternoon TV show that discusses various ups and downs of life, I had a realization. Yes, life is a cycle, and I have to do something about it. I have made the wrong decisions before and I know I can correct it. I have to tap all my talents to become a more productive person and to resolve all my troubles.

I can do this. I will do this.

I just have to make sacrifices from the mean time, give up things (either temporarily or for good) and re-arrange my life, pick up the pieces until I am able to glue up everything back in shape.

And to my friends who never stopped believing that I can stand up and fight however tough the challenges that I am going through, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

To the one Up Above, I know you are just making me realize things. Thank you for opening my eyes. I may be shaken at times but at the end of the day, I am lifting everything to you. Thank you! You rock!;)

I'll keep holding on and fighting. AJA!

1 I am not OK

There, I have said it.

I am not ok.
I feel insecure.
I am down.

And then there were tears...

0 Snail Mail

Well I received a card last week. NO it ain't an e-card on email. Its a real Hallmark card via snail mail. It contained a note of appreciation from a friend. 'Twas really touching. In this world of Internet and email, a tangible card with all the written text in it is indeed a wonderful surprise.

Yes dear, you were able to say your thanks the most memorable way possible.

Thank you too! :)

0 And then the floodgates were opened...

Lately I have been on a shitty ride, financial crisis was on its peak and the emotional drama was high. Yes, I may seem A-okay but am definitely not. The only thing that I cling to is my strong belief that God would never leave me but instead carry me in times of trouble plus my tried and tested friends and loving mom and bro. At times when I think of giving up, I end up crying my a**, and wallowing on self-pity. Yes, I am almost like a beggar asking for a piece of bread. Even the small things that I enjoy such as coffee became a luxury that I feel blessed that mankind has invented such a thing as discount coupons. Little knew how dire my situation is for I don't wanna talk about it. I sacrificed some things which I owned just to cope up with the expenses.

Then came 4th of July weekend. I should have been enjoying Iloilo and Bacolod with mom and bro but mom and I both agreed to postpone the trip. Instead, we opted to go to the nearest mall clinic for check-up. I must say I fear hospitals. There's something eerie in it for me. But then I braved and pushed my luck coz I really don't feel good anymore about something in my system.

Yes, I faced the doctor and found out what was truly bugging me. It is something that would be in my system for the rest of my life (don't worry fellas it ain't HIV). My mom on the other hand, being my dependent, enjoyed her share of health card perks. I even accompanied her when she went for her scheduled lab tests the following day.

What struck my reality was when, since as I have mentioned that we're in a financial trouble, mom texted me that she was thankful that I got her the card for she would not be able to go and have a physical examination and lab test not because of fear but because she would rather use the money in some other ways to ease out troubles. Upon reading the message, my tears fell like an overflowing well. That's when I realized the big difference of how my life is now compared before when we still have a bakery and store that every Sunday lunch was a feast and we get most perks that we deserve (well I actually need to work hard to get it). I was sobbing like a baby and I couldn't care less if I was on board a public van.

Yes I know someday I'll be able to gather myself out of this mess.

So much for my Fourth of July drama.

Later!

0 Starting Anew

I have found my way back. I am returning to the things I love and enjoy. these pet projects include, restoring a bike and using it as well as writing short stories (love stories for that matter)

Some of the plots include:

~A crazy story of two people from some Chinese territory trying to express their love despite the barriers.
~A not so happily-ever-after
~The waiting game

Yes, the stories may be conventional plots but the twists will do the trick...

Later!

0 You

I dunno what kind of bug has bitten me.
The YOU bug perhaps.
Whenever am idle, it is you that occupy my thoughts.
You pop like a speech bubble in my head,
and just like cartoons,
you are there,
doing your thing.
YOU have given me such great memories that I can't erase.
Yes, YOU are permanently inked
tattooed not in my mind
but in this organ enclosed between the bones of my chest
Cheesy, yes.
True, definitely.
You're like a dream that will never be true.
Probably a nightmare that will haunt me forever.

I am starting to hate myself for

being petrified by just a mere vision of YOU
being stunned
being speechless
being occupied with memories that have long should been forgotten. :(

0 Standards

Yesterday, me and my tickles had a text marathon that ended up in a topic about "you-should-have-a-guy-am gonna-introduce-you-to-someone"

On the course of the conversation, upon telling her for the nth time, on how I define the "ideal" guy, I, again, came across this line " The prob Lee is that you are super Ms. Independent and responsible I think it would be hard for me to find someone who would equate or even surpass that the level..."

I dunno. When did being "independent" and "responsible" became a very distracting attitude?

Not that am ranting but thoughts came flooding in:

~am I really that strong that it seems to be that I don't need that other person?
~is being responsible and independent too intimidating?
~if yes, does that mean am on the dead end already? hahaha!

OMG! hahaha!

0 Here comes the Bride

Guess I did it again, making one's wedding a truly memorable experience...

Though I haven't had the opportunity to take great pictures, its fun to know that the couple, their families, relatives and friends enjoyed the party.

And finally I realized this is what I wanna do...
To make every couple's dream wedding possible, organized and fun... :)

1 Change

From now on, am gonna apply this force called CHANGE in my system. That, ladies and gentlemen, will be for the better and would hopefully create more efficiency in my day to day living.

And like they say in Star Wars: May the force by with me.

0 Screwing Up

I shouldn't be holding a pen anymore and pretend that I can write when the truth of the matter is I cannot.
I can not even accomplish writing an academic paper, how pathetic!
Am such a failure.
TOTALLY!

0 Battered

Never thought that the one guy I was trusting not to hurt me both physically and emotionally (not in a million years) did just that all at the same time. The one guy who is supposed to love me unconditionally despite all the dramas and shits. The one guy who came from the same womb as I do, who celebrates the same natal day as I do had just, well gave me the most number of injuries I had, for the record, in my whole damn life. Forget about the physical pain, it can heal. But a wounded heart and a shattered respect plus the drama that yes, I might really be the person he accuses me to be but its just that no damn brave soul can tell it straight into my face (being a kabit, tamad, bobo, tanga and yes the most hurtful Pinoy curse one can throw in the name of your mom) will never be cured by a mere bandage or a head xray (which I might just need now) coupled with mefenamics and topical painkillers.

Yes I am battered.

1 Stagnant

For some reason, I feel like am stuck in a big bad mess full of revelations and uncertainties. I still harbor some thoughts that make me really blue. Yeah I must say, I guess this is a matter of being contented with the things surrounding me. And my inner wishes of someone to understand and comfort me rule.

But here I am searching for the unknown.
I am not living, I am only existing.

Hell... this ain't right...

I should know how important the 5Ws and 1H, yet no matter how I have mastered those, am still not able to use it to its fullest. I cannot even apply the theories to the way that I am suppose to live my friggin' life.

IN this little space, I can be all emo, all sad and I couldn't care less as to how people would perceive me. After all, they have already created an image of me far beyond who I really am.

Hell, this is just one shitty crap re-written and re-purposed all over again and I HATE it!

0 B for Betrayal

Betrayal of trust in friendship is equal to:

~end of all communication
~crumbled circle of friends (or taking sides for that matter)
~hurtful words thrown here, there and everywhere.

However, should this be patched, still it would be hard to mend a cracked trust.

0 Snaps

Finally completed my basic photography course. The verdict: Amazing!

Coming up with a good pic is hell tasking, but who am I to complain? I am sooo loving it... :)

I had lots of realizations during the workshop, plus I gained a new batch of friends. Kewl indeed!

0 The day I start MISSING

Sometimes no matter how toughie my exteriors are
I still crave for girly things most girls do
Like long walks in the park, kisses under the moon, feeling another hand entwined with yours
Preparing your meals, sharing with you my dreams
Simply put
loving.

Sometimes

I miss being with you.
I dunno.
Though I wonder

Do I miss you?
Or do I miss the things we used to do?

1 Stepping Back

After my long letter and some sort of revenge I am now willing to shut up and start a new.
Still a long journey though.
God give me strength.

0 Thank GOD for Friends

I
thank the one ABOVE
for showering me
with great friends

They scream
They get mad
They listen
They give a helping hand

Things may be a mess
But they lessen my distress

Friends, friends
I am with
big thanks!

0 And so the wind blows

If in time this does not go well with us...
Let me just say this

Thank you
for the
honesty
openness
and
the love.

It may be short lived
we may surpass the test of times

who knows?

Not me.
Not you.

But then again

THANK YOU!

0 Ang Pumatol...Talo

Ginising ako ng isang text message.
Kasinungalingan sa mga panahong napagtanto ko na ang katotohanan.

Pagmamakaawa
Pagsusumamo
O maaari din namang " emotional blackmail"

Kahit ano pang sabihin mo
Hindi ako patitinag.
Meron akong ebidensya

Hindi ako nananagasa.
Hindi ako nananapak.
Hindi ako nang-aagaw.

Ikaw
mag-isip ka
ginugulo mo ba ko dahil sa panghihinayang?
dahil sa pagiging makasarili?
o maari din namang sa parehong dahilan.

At muli't muli tama nga ang mga maalam
Ang pagsisisi lagi na'y asa huli...

0 Tandem

Chaotic the situation may seem
But you and me will remain a team

You'll fly, yes, you'll take time, yes
But that ain't synonymous
To saying goodbye

Our plans are still our plans
Slowing down yes we must

In time
God's time
We will know
How it would really be...