0 When a door closes, a window opens.

I've closed a chapter of my career. At first, I'd say, I had bitterness and a bit of guilt for being irresponsible and just leaving it all behind. But for my sake, it was indeed time to let go.

After almost three months, I went back to that place to totally seal that chapter I had with them. It was bittersweet that it had to end up with a summon before they took action to a pretty simple request, which is rightfully mine in the first place. However, though I tried fighting for my rights, it got tiring. I really didn't get the entire claim that was due me, but it was better than having none at all.

There was somehow nostalgia when it dawned to me that in a way, I belonged there. It was, in a way, brought me a sense of pride upon seeing remnants of what was used to be mine. While the entire office was rearranged, most of my stuff were kept almost untouched. I could still see notes I wrote posted on the walls, cork board and written on the white boards. The reports they're writing is still patterned to the format I have established during my stay. Upon asking around, I found out that nobody is permanently occupying my former space, it is left open to those who might need to use the fax machine or who need an extra table. While I was on the process of healing and happily moving on,my memories still live somewhere in that tiny spot in Makati. It did not made me sad, instead I felt a surge of pride that I am not forgotten, that I have contributed a lot and was able to touch lives. Or maybe that kick of pride is from knowing that somehow, somewhere, someone is having a hard time letting me go.

Though its a bit of annoying to know that rumors about me was spread to Clients (well knowing my former boss, it shouldn't be a surprise). However, what made me smile was the fact that though I might have had some work-related misunderstandings with my former colleagues, they stood up against his perception of who I am (or so they say). One even tried reaching out to me, asking for apologies that he wasn't able to really talk to me during my short stay that Friday afternoon. He was just being cautious, and being from that office, I know exactly how he feels. I was also able to patch things up with a colleague after months of being civil. It took me by surprise. We went out for a drink and we were able to sort things out. What caused our misunderstanding was miscommunication all over. She already asked for her apologies so do I for just brushing her off without hearing her out. Yes, time does heal all wounds.

I think, overall, I can say that I've done my job well. It was a career that I started loving. As what a friend told me, sometimes, its wise to love your job but do not expect the company to be always fair to you and will love you back.  

After leaving the company last March, I have learned a lot about myself. I began to really start looking at my priorities and setting my goals. I am also happy to be reunited with Him, whom I kinda took for granted for quite sometime. Guess, when you truly surrender to God, He would fix things and bless you in ways you wouldn't expect.

There are things that am thankful though as I close this chapter. I have gained lifelong friends and experiences worth remembering. I have learned how to be assertive of my rights and speak up for myself. I may not have mastered it yet, but I'm getting there. I was able to realize the importance of upholding your work ethics, no matter how shitty the work environment may be. 

I've now started weaving a new career path as a University English instructor. I have a sense of pride and happiness with what I do now. It is not as high earning as my former jobs, and I may struggle with my finances but I can say that I am OK. I believe that God will provide, the way He has done during my bum moments. He used people to reach out to me and assist me as I walk into this new beginning. I guess, with this new endeavor that I have now, I just need to keep the faith and let His will be done.

At the end of the day, I have lived to my values to do good and be good.

Later,

LeeLai

0 The Bum Chronicles

50 days and still counting.

Having long breaks is something I was not used to. During my last days in college, I could vividly remember juggling my training for a BPO company while reporting to the University to fulfill my graduation requirements. I even requested from my trainer if I can be late for the shift the night after my graduation (which, if I am not mistaken happened on May 5 as well, some eight years ago).

I started working early not because I was required but  because it was an obligation I felt I have to fulfill. I jumped from one job to the next, in calculated moves. I made sure that I won’t have an idle moment for long. Economically, I cannot afford to do so.

Before, I signed job offers, not because it was my dream job but because it was somehow related to the college degree I finished and at the same time, somehow it offered competitive pay.

Until March 2013. I was offered a job that I, without a doubt, accepted. The job description was something new, the nature of work was something I would surely learn from. It was something that somehow I see myself loving and doing for a long time. It was challenging for me. That, plus a competitive pay made me say "I do."

The 11 months I spent in my ex-company was a roller coaster ride. I learned a lot about myself. It strengthened my work ethics. I gained friends who showed me my potential and never would tell me to my face if I sucked. It also made me realize how patient I am and I developed the need to be assertive, all of which I am thankful. 

But my love for the job and the company dwindled and was replaced with hair loss and chest pains. It was getting to a point that my dedication was no longer worth it.

On March 17, I decided to resign. Unmindful of the consequences. It was immediate and irrevocable.The resignation was a mix of emotions. I felt guilty, in a way, because I was, at the back of my mind, thinking what will happen to the company and the clients that I'll be leaving behind. On the other hand, it felt like a load of my chest. And I felt happier, relaxed and at peace.

Then it hit me. This is the break that I need to truly decide what I wanted to do in my life. I am bothered because I have never been idle this long. But this situation gave me the opportunity to do things that I should have done a long time like fixing my IDs and my papers. It gave me a moment to think what I truly wanna do in my life. And this situation made me more thankful to God for helping me now that I am down. He never failed to send people who would assist me to overcome this situation that I am into right now. 
Reality check, economic needs came knocking in. Thankfully, my mom and bro understood my situation. They're there for me. Literally and figuratively. 

Somehow I feel uncomfy being bum. I am at a point, at times, worrying the lack of invitation for job interviews. In a way, I felt that my current career aim is too ambitious. But as what a good friend told me, I should start chasing my dreams no matter how big it is. And that's what am doing.

I am still clueless as to how long I will remain a bum. I don't intend to be like this for life. In fact am starting miss the feeling of being "workaholic." My time will come. I believe it will. But for now, I guess, I just have to embrace what life is offering me. 
 
  

0 Mistaken Identity

My sleep was interrupted earlier today by an anonymous phone call. I answered only to realize that the lady on the other end was accusing me of being her husband's 'other woman.'

Before, receiving phone calls such as this irks every nerve in me that I respond all defensively., hence prolonging the conversation. Earlier, when the lady didn't stop all the litany, I just said "pasensya na po, hindi ko talaga alam ang sinasabi nyo."

She even texted that she was sure who I am and that "papatulan ko ang asawa nya." I dunno but for some reason, I calmly told her:

"Weird, buti ka pa kilala mo ko and alam mong 'papatol' ako sa asawa mo. Last time I checked, I wasn't dating anybody nor seeig someone. Ma'am, bago po kayo mag-accuse, paki double check po ng facts ninyo. And kung may problema po kayo ng 'asawa' mo, I think its best na pag-usapan nyo pong dalawa rather than blaming me of things I haven't done or I wasn't aware of doing. Have a blessed day ahead..."

On that note, the lady stopped her incessant calling and text. 

Since I know I agreed to have a date with this guy from the past, I clarified to him if he's single, with gf, or married. He told me he is single and asked that we meet today for a date. I said yes.

Somewhere between planning where and when are we gonna go out, he asked if we could go on a "private date." 

That invitation was a major turn-off. I wasn't born yesterday to not realize that there is something more that happens on those "private places." 

Then it hit me, last Friday, I was feeling "alone." Last night, I did sought Him. Today I got answers. I am not alone. And the incident earlier today opened my eyes to answers. Of who to keep and who to dump in my life. 

And I am happy that I remained calmed and composed during the two scenarios. What a way to start my Sunday morning.

Later, 

LeeLai

0 Alone? Not.

The start of 2014 has been filled with drama and tears. Admittedly, I am now starting to feel my fear, the fear of being alone.

Last December, bro left for Miami. The holidays, somewhat erased this negative thoughts but it wasn't absolute. 

Yesterday was Papa's birthday. Seeing my mom's post plus the way she reacted during Pa's death anniv last December 31 just proves how much she's missing him, though she wouldn't show it. 

That hit me, hard. I miss my family. I miss spending Sunday lunches together. Or the long rides to Laguna in our trusty owner-type jeep and stopping by somewhere in Antipolo to enjoy some roasted chicken and rice thus having an instant picnic by the side of the road.

I don't have a picture-perfect family. Growing up, the happiness turned bitter. In a way, I wished my family remained happy. But maybe there is a bigger purpose why things turned out to be this way now. I may not say this often but though my parents weren't the best life partners or perfect husband or wife to each other, I could say that they have been, in their own way, the right parents for me and bro. 

In the midst of my confusio I asked myself: "how could one still love someone who has caused you pain?" Guess, the love was totally unconditional. Just like how God loves us.He might have been judged wrongly, called names and all but still He forgave us and redeemed us from our sins. 

The mass earlier made me realize a lot of things. The most important message though is that I am not alone. I have friends who love me and guides me to the right path. I have my family, who though far, still sees to it that they do love and care for me. My brother, before he left, even secretly told my cleaning lady "bantayan mo si Ate, Manang, wala na syang kasama." My mom who constantly checks on me and my dad, whom I feel is watching me from afar. Lastly, I have God. I may not see him, but he reaches out to me and comforts me. 

Yes, Lee, you are not alone. YOU ARE SPECIAL. 

Feeling blessed, 

LeeLai

0 Going Solo

Dear Lee,

Yes, I am writing to myself. To tell myself that I have to be brave. Bro's leaving for a 9 month contract abroad and as of writing, am effing crying.

I dunno...

I mean it wasn't really a perfect relationship. We have fights. But when you grow up, learn things, surpass challenges and celebrate the same birthday and almost most of the memorable occasions in your life together, it is, I guess, a hard thought that you'll be separated, especially now that the holidays are literally days away.

 Come Sunday, I need to get used to a life that I am only to think of myself. I guess I am just afraid for myself. Of the changes and how I would handle it.

And admit it Lee, you are afraid of being alone.

Am gonna miss him, that's for sure.

He is the most sumpungin, masarap ka-bonding at ka-coffee date na brother. I'll never regret the day I prayed for a sibling.

And I love him beyond the stars.

Later,

Cry baby LeeLai

0 Season of Flirting

Does being in the mood for flirting equate to being all in love and getting head over heels romantic?

Does flirting always equate to putting labels to what you have with the other person?

Yes, I am kinda new to this, a good news for my BFF who has earned a PhD in flirting with flying colors. 

Yes, since I am new to this, am kinda enjoying it at the moment. 

But when does this stop?

And what will happen after?

Do I expect something?

Do I just go with the flow?

Or do I simply let go when the flirting is done?

Later!

LeeLai

0 Working on Weekends

I feel kinda drained. And lazy.

Am experiencing a lot of firsts in my new work and that includes bringing home work and doing it on a Sunday.

Am becoming a corporate slave and feeling overworked, underpaid.

I have to change this.

For now, I have to deal with it. Boo!

Later!

0 Make or Break

I am feeling a little bit unsure.

I am waiting for the verdict of whether or not I will be offered another contract.
Of whether or not I will be accepting the contract or not.
On whether I will bargain or not.

Can I live up to the constant fickle-mindedness?
Can I suppress my mouth from voicing out my side of the story?
Can I continue to be the messenger to the "gods"?

Let Your will be done.

Later!

0 PR Life

I am now embracing a new career, in a PR company. It is different than the homebased work that I was used to. Here, I need to dress up, report to the office and to be at my toes. I don't have a team to handle but I have accounts to juggle. I need to learn a new set of jargon and mingle with new set of co-workers. Above all, I have a cerebral for a boss. For five years, though I met my former project's CEO, most of the work and meetings were done virtually. Now, my boss is literally a few steps away from my cube and would call me every now and then.

Am a few days short of my second month. I am now realizing the gravity of the position I am handling. I have had a love-hate relationship with deadlines and reports. I have been at my wits end computing columns, centimeters and media mileage equivalent. I have experienced being at multiple places in a day.

I have to admit, I was fearful entering this new career path. It was way different than my comfort zone. But the encouragement I am getting is overwhelming. I have had lows, and even have "awkward" moments with co-workers over some tasks. In times like this, I always think of a statement that a former co-worker once told me. That we go to our workplaces to work and get things done. Having friends at the workplace is a bonus.

Guess I am still lucky for I have, in a way, gained new acquaintances.  They may have different beliefs but its nice to know that I somehow fit in. That they'd defend my a** for as long as they see that it wasn't really my fault. Sometimes I have to admit, I do get tired of the tedious work that I am learning or with the change in my boss' mood swings. However, everyday is a new learning curve. And I am not quitting. After all, I am a resilient cookie.

Whatever happens, I'll do good and I will be good.

Till then... 

0 Goodbye and Hello

In a week's time, I'll  be moving to another company. Yes, I am letting go of my comfort zone and will start anew in a local PR company based in Makati. Gone are the days of working in my PJs. I need to say hello to wardrobe change, embrace commuting once more, develop a love-hate relationship with the bundy clock, meeting new people and facing new challenges. Finally, in my 7 years as a member of the workforce, I'll be able to experience Philippine holidays.

I have doubts. And worries. And fears. What if I don't fit in? What if I am unable to deliver results as expected? What if I fail?

My friends whom I have spoken about this upcoming change have already shown their support and showered me with much needed confidence booster, which I highly appreciate.

I hate goodbyes. Good thing though, my so-called "despedida" was moved 2 days before my actually last day of work. At least, it would spare me some emo moments. But deep within, am gonna miss the friends I've made in SB. However,  thank God for social media. At least, we could still stay in touch.

Whew! Am feeling the pressure and the freedom at the same time. Well, come what may. Good luck self, you can do it! ;)  

0 Surviving 2012. Welcoming 2013.

10 days since the calendar year changed.
21 days to go before I turn 20+ -ish.
21 days before my first out of the country invasion.
11 months and 21 days of blank pages to a new life chapter.

Numbers. Dates. Days.

2012

Bread and Butter

An emotional roller coaster filled year. Major changes happened at work. People come, people go. Gained friends along the way. Still, I remained resilient and focused with the challenges. My day job is still considerably stable while my wedding planning business is, I should say, is growing. I am able to make new connections to help me in the process of learning and improving this craft. I could say I have found my inner passion.

Stories from the heart

I still don't have someone to call my own. Cupid missed the arrow last year. I dated a few but that was it. From the dates, I have further analyzed what I want in my future relationship. Though I still long for that long walks, star-gazing together and having that "perfect moment even in silence," I have learned that I must completely heal and fulfill my goals first and feel good about myself before I could share that special feeling to my future better half.

Along the way, I found closure with the guy who almost made me change my surname. I have to admit, it was sad knowing that he wasn't happy after we had separate ways, since I prayed for his happiness in exchange of my broken heart and shattered dream of "I do." But I believe it wasn't the right time then or he ain't the right person yet. The closure rekindled all the pain I felt two years ago. But then I realized, I would never be able to give myself to that "somebody" if I still carry the skeletons of the past. Love will come my way. Deep within I can feel it will. A girl can dream. :)

Itchy Feet

I haven't traveled much over the past year. The only place I remembered visiting was Taal, Batangas. I promised myself that I will find time to cure my itchy feet come 2013. That I will do.

 Lost and Never Found

Lost some material things when the house was robbed last August. Still, I am thankful I wasn't hurt and that He will provide me with the things I need. I just need to have faith.

Blood is Thicker Than Water

It is indeed. I have made close bonds with my cousins on both ends. Its fun.  Bro graduated and passed the ME boards, a major horray to be truly thankful in 2012.

2013

I am positive that this year will be good. I have just booked my first client for a wedding mid-2013. The last 2 days was spent bonding and just feeling good with my cousins and brother. I still have 355 days to write not only fun and challenging stories worth remembering. I am indeed blessed to be given another year.

Here's to good life, good health and fun 2013!

 

0 Paalam

Sa loob ng nakalipas na 8 buwan, maraming lumisan, madaming nagbago, madaming nagpaalam. Mga mahal sa buhay na sumakabilang-buhay. Mga kaibigang nangibang-bayan at tumawid ng kabilang bakuran upang simulan ang panibagong yugto ng kanilang buhay.

May mga materyal na bagay ding nagpaalam. Kinuha ng pwersahan. Sapilitan. Mga teritoryong pinangahasang pasukin at mga kapayapaang nabulabog. Kung may ipinagpapasalamat ako, yun ay walang nasaktan. Ngunit namamahay na ang takot sa dating tahimik na mundong aking ginagalawan.

Minsan naisip ko, bakit tila hindi makatarungan ang mundo sa akin. Alam ko maling magtanong pero hindi ko maiwasan. Kailan ba papabor ang ikot ng gulong ng buhay ko? Gusto ko ng mapagod. Gusto ko ng sumuko. Nakakapagod ng ipakita sa mundo na matapang ako. Dahil ang totoo, tila ako isang musmos na umiiyak na lamang sa isang madilim na sulok sa mga gabing balot ng kalungkutan. 

Kahapon sa misa, sinabi ng pari, matutong sumuko at itaas ang lahat ayon sa gusto Nya.

Nawa'y mas matutunan ko pang sumunod sa layon Nya.

0 Rainy Days

Rainy days + goodbyes = rainy eyes

Hasta la proxima vez Tita A
Break a leg!

0 A Game of Billiards.

Ok, so I did went out again on a date last night. On a game of billiards, something that I missed doing. And the guy was good I must say, and competitive [and did I say his cute (emphasis on the word :)].

We had snacks, and conversations of all sorts, and I accompanied him in purchasing a bag. Then we had coffee (yeah, finally my cravings were given justice). And we again talked. And talked.

Then he waited for me to ride a bus. When I got home, we exchanged messages. He called. The way he used to every night.

I have to admit, we have a lot of differences. I was the outgoing type while he'd rather stay at home and make love with his gadgets and games. He is makulit and seldom serious, I was on the other hand is usually serious and seldom gets makulit (well except with my friends). We both don't enjoy the fun of mountaineering, and gets really hyped in a game of billiards. He admittedly is not fond of traveling and since he grew by the beach, he does not find the excitement in it while I enjoy long bus rides, exploring places and the beach.

He only drinks mocha frappe, "customized" his way (for the longest time, its just now that I met a guy who is picky with his coffee that he even requested it to be re-mixed. The concoction, I didn't really quite get). He is admittedly color-blind, and for the love of his gadgets, he'd pay all sums.

Well, he's chivalrous in his own way, not the type who puts a front just to impress. And he is always, repeat after me, always SMILING showing his dimples that I almost die in envy (hahahaha!).

He asked what I do in wedding coordination, he intently listened, then told me, it sounds complicated and its kinda hard to grasp. Well he may not understand the process, but he understands that its something I enjoy so what the heck. He even posed a pseudo proposal of what if my company offers the same compensation that the company am applying for as a corp comm officer gives, would I still accept it. I told him no. I guess it gave him an idea that it rather be hyper and creative than be steady at home.

So far, I think things are going well. No, don't ask about emotions, I don't wanna complicate things. Let me cross the bridge when I get there. Honestly, am not really smiling ear to ear, not because I don't like him or anything but because I just want to enjoy this and let things unfold day after day.

Come what may...

Later!

0 Lucky 18

I have a love-hate relationship with migration and moving outside the country. On the 18th, I'd bid farewell  to the first bride who gave her confidence on me in handling the full coordination of her wedding. Not only is she my bride, she's also my cousin, a sister, a friend and confidant rolled into one. She's moving to Taiwan for good to start her new life as a wife and mother. I know she'd be well, but I can't help but be a bit sad. There's a difference knowing that she's back here after a year of two of working overseas over the fact that she'd be a resident there for good.   

The past 8 months has been an exchange of constant phone calls, dates, chats, texts and sleepovers with her. It was filled with surprises unraveled right before our very eyes. The word FINALLY has already been synonymous to her.  And I am honored to share all her joys and agitations over those months.

Whatever life takes you, break a leg! And am sure gonna inform you my wedding date in advance so you could move your ass back to MNL >:)

There are no goodbyes.

Hasta la proxima vez Cuz...

Me and Diok circa 2008

Me and Diok on her wedding day

0 Fed Up

The title says it all.
I am FED UP.

0 Sa Silong ng Punong Mangga

Sa punong Mangga
Tayo'y kumanlong
Naupo
Nagkuwentuhan
Seryoso
Mababaw
Nakinig
Ikaw
Sa musika ng buhay ko
Ako
Sa himig ng gitara mo

Tahimik ang hapon
Maalinsangan ang hanging
Di natin inalintana
Tumakbo ang oras
Mabagal

Mundo'y uminog
Realidad ay bumalik
Pinagdikit tayo ng bisikletang de motor
Gahiblang hangin ang namagitan
Na tuluyang pinaglayo ng pamamaalam

Sana muli
Panahon ay maglaan ng sandali
Upang tayo'y muling sumilong
Sa punong Mangga.

0 Baby Boomer

Hail to the baby boomers!

No, I ain't talking about those who were born during the Post-War baby boomer era between 1946 and 1964 but the trending pregnancy news within the family and my friends. Yes, the world I guess is so fertile this 2012 and every couple is hormonal that leads to the rise in sales of maternity dresses and baby items (note that we're just in the first quarter and anything can happen).

On the light side, these news lead to some benefits (personal that is). Pregnant moms tend to crave and when your with them, you get showered with the "blessings" from their cravings. Just like now, a friend left a SMS wanting to meet me and another friend with a request that we eat in this La Paz batchoy joint I introduced to her last year because yes, she's craving for that steamy batchoy soup. ;)

While most female in the hood that I know is enjoying their "am-a-mommy-my-belly-gets-bigger-baby-kicking-inside" status, it somehow leaves me thinking. Being a person who adores kids, seeing pregnant friends and cousins sends me mental notes about the ins and outs, do's and don'ts of pregnancy. But what scares me the most are the following: a.) will I find the perfect donor to complete the molecular structure of my future mini-me? b.)am I capable of carrying another life with my womb as its official residence for 9 months? c.) will I be able to surpass giving birth with flying colors? d.)will I look good on maternity clothes? (kidding!)

When that time comes, I think I can handle it, thanks to the pointers that am getting right now.

Later!

0 From Being a Sister to Having Sisters

I am the eldest among 2 siblings. And for the most part, I am the eldest as well in most of my circle of friends so the feeling of being the youngest is somewhat foreign.

Being the eldest gave me this unspoken rule to be the "more responsible" one and to act sensibly so that I'd be a role model to those people who are looking up to me.

In some unknown twist of faith, I was able to experience how it feels like to be the youngest. At work, am surrounded by office mates who are two/three years older. Plus, I get this renewed and stronger bond with my cousins who are 6-15 years senior than I am.

Being the youngest has its perks. I get my share of pampering, of understanding and having someone to ask for sound advice or share my crazy and wild thoughts. It made me feel a little less misunderstood. Looking at their lives now, I get to learn not only how to deal with things better but to understand the by products of haste judgments and the regrets that it entails thereafter. They dry my tears and help me stand up when I feel down and battered.

What's even surprising though is how they value my opinion. It makes me feel "more adult" and important. The debates and the ideas that they share with me helps me to become "wiser" or more "womanly" and empowers me in preparing for my future duties as a wife and a mother (yes, I do see myself in those roles).

To my new found sisters, thanks for making this existence more colorful and for making me realize that sometimes its okay to be taken care off. :)

0 Inspiration

March. Pressure month especially for the graduating class. This year, one of those hopefuls is my brother, who is giving his best shot to become a Mechanical Engineer. If circumstances would allow, he'll be the first in the family to have a title next to his name.

As per observation, I know my bro is working hard to bring home the bacon. There would be times that he would stay late at night to review. When am out, he would ask me to bring him some take out food for him to munch while studying or would ask for permission that he won't be able to go home because he'd do a group review with his classmates. Well I could really feel that his up to the challenge, not just he wants to make us proud but I guess he wants to prove that he can achieve something. My brother may be of all sorts but he gives his heart to whatever he does.

One Monday noon, as I look for our charger at his room, I found a handwritten March calendar posted in his study table. At the bottom of the calendar, he wrote: "Aral ng mabute, konting tiis nalang. Walang susuko." Upon seeing that, I couldn't help but grab a pen and add words of encouragement for him. The following day, my mom also saw it and added a few more words to encourage her bunso. Well he still haven't seen the "vandal" that we wrote on his free wall but I hope that would inspire him to continue aiming for the gold.

And to you my Kid Bro: Parang Nike lang yan. "Just do it!" You can do it bro. We believe in you. Break a leg!

And I'd be a proud stage sister come graduation day :D