0 Baby Boomer

Hail to the baby boomers!

No, I ain't talking about those who were born during the Post-War baby boomer era between 1946 and 1964 but the trending pregnancy news within the family and my friends. Yes, the world I guess is so fertile this 2012 and every couple is hormonal that leads to the rise in sales of maternity dresses and baby items (note that we're just in the first quarter and anything can happen).

On the light side, these news lead to some benefits (personal that is). Pregnant moms tend to crave and when your with them, you get showered with the "blessings" from their cravings. Just like now, a friend left a SMS wanting to meet me and another friend with a request that we eat in this La Paz batchoy joint I introduced to her last year because yes, she's craving for that steamy batchoy soup. ;)

While most female in the hood that I know is enjoying their "am-a-mommy-my-belly-gets-bigger-baby-kicking-inside" status, it somehow leaves me thinking. Being a person who adores kids, seeing pregnant friends and cousins sends me mental notes about the ins and outs, do's and don'ts of pregnancy. But what scares me the most are the following: a.) will I find the perfect donor to complete the molecular structure of my future mini-me? b.)am I capable of carrying another life with my womb as its official residence for 9 months? c.) will I be able to surpass giving birth with flying colors? d.)will I look good on maternity clothes? (kidding!)

When that time comes, I think I can handle it, thanks to the pointers that am getting right now.

Later!

0 From Being a Sister to Having Sisters

I am the eldest among 2 siblings. And for the most part, I am the eldest as well in most of my circle of friends so the feeling of being the youngest is somewhat foreign.

Being the eldest gave me this unspoken rule to be the "more responsible" one and to act sensibly so that I'd be a role model to those people who are looking up to me.

In some unknown twist of faith, I was able to experience how it feels like to be the youngest. At work, am surrounded by office mates who are two/three years older. Plus, I get this renewed and stronger bond with my cousins who are 6-15 years senior than I am.

Being the youngest has its perks. I get my share of pampering, of understanding and having someone to ask for sound advice or share my crazy and wild thoughts. It made me feel a little less misunderstood. Looking at their lives now, I get to learn not only how to deal with things better but to understand the by products of haste judgments and the regrets that it entails thereafter. They dry my tears and help me stand up when I feel down and battered.

What's even surprising though is how they value my opinion. It makes me feel "more adult" and important. The debates and the ideas that they share with me helps me to become "wiser" or more "womanly" and empowers me in preparing for my future duties as a wife and a mother (yes, I do see myself in those roles).

To my new found sisters, thanks for making this existence more colorful and for making me realize that sometimes its okay to be taken care off. :)

0 Inspiration

March. Pressure month especially for the graduating class. This year, one of those hopefuls is my brother, who is giving his best shot to become a Mechanical Engineer. If circumstances would allow, he'll be the first in the family to have a title next to his name.

As per observation, I know my bro is working hard to bring home the bacon. There would be times that he would stay late at night to review. When am out, he would ask me to bring him some take out food for him to munch while studying or would ask for permission that he won't be able to go home because he'd do a group review with his classmates. Well I could really feel that his up to the challenge, not just he wants to make us proud but I guess he wants to prove that he can achieve something. My brother may be of all sorts but he gives his heart to whatever he does.

One Monday noon, as I look for our charger at his room, I found a handwritten March calendar posted in his study table. At the bottom of the calendar, he wrote: "Aral ng mabute, konting tiis nalang. Walang susuko." Upon seeing that, I couldn't help but grab a pen and add words of encouragement for him. The following day, my mom also saw it and added a few more words to encourage her bunso. Well he still haven't seen the "vandal" that we wrote on his free wall but I hope that would inspire him to continue aiming for the gold.

And to you my Kid Bro: Parang Nike lang yan. "Just do it!" You can do it bro. We believe in you. Break a leg!

And I'd be a proud stage sister come graduation day :D

0 It's Friday and I'm Out...on a DATE

It has been a while since I went out on a Friday night. Yes I was on a date. Probably those who would be reading this will be all smiles now. My love life has been an open book to a few people, being the reserved person that I am. Most of them would tell me that everything's gonna be alright and I should not close my doors. I, on the other hand, have this, well we could say practice, of going on a dating scene hiatus (and when I say hiatus it would mean years) before I agree to another date.

This time though, I know that there were changes on how I handled myself. I tried dressing more lady-like, the bills were split equally and I had my share of talking (yes I used to be quiet and would just listen, I still do, but I guess now I have developed the art of acknowledging compliments).

One dilemma that I have whenever I go out dating is having indecent proposals. As I mature, I have learned how to handle them and kinda expected guys to be asking that, not that I give in but I know somewhere between the small talks and walking side by sides, a question of "going somewhere private" pops up. Last Friday night though was different and I kinda salute the guy for that. He wasn't prude nor noble but respect and decency ruled in.

Yes guys, I am again smiling. And again writing. And this may mean bad signals. I have kept my doors open, only with laser lights and electric wires on. This time, slow would be the word. I have tried that before but I guess I have not perfected it, so now, I would be using this opportunity to apply it again. Its not that I want to be emotionally detached. However, I just want to be sure and secure before taking the risk. Plays and tears is something I am avoiding. Though it may be inevitable, I guess I could lessen the long-term injury.

Yes, HHWW and goodbye kisses ain't bad after all... :)

Later!

0 Work Frustrations

The start of my year at work wasn't really a blast. I am faced with a challenge of molding a newbie, who happens to have this strong connection with the B (boss).

After almost a month, I am still stuck in training the newbie with the ins and outs of work. However, the thing is, she isn't progressing the same way a newbie should. To make matters worst, she won't take on feedback. Sometimes I wonder at night whether I have done something wrong in training her. While people tell me that am doing the right thing and she's just slow to comprehend, it saddens me to think that my other partner at work seems like giving up on her already. I know time would come that my work buddy of four years would part ways one day, its just kinda frustrating that his replacement would be giving me such a headache. And one wrong move on my end would surely ring a bell on the B's radar.

I am losing patience. :(

0 New Year .New Look

At some point, I wanted to get rid of this blog and start a new one. But six years of love affair with this blog made me stop and think.

So there, I just have it revamped. Fresher look. And maybe I'll try to tweak my entries into something more targeted, not just mere ranting.

BTW, Since late last year I have tried changing my look... A shorter do. Yes, I am starting to shower some lovin' on myself.

Later!

0 Evolution. Change.

Contemplating on changing my blog and revamping it. Wanna start anew, posting daily (hopefully). A lot of things had happened and am thankful to have surpassed them all.

I'll keep you posted once I am ready for the brand new page. :)

Later!

0 Eureka

As I was watching this afternoon TV show that discusses various ups and downs of life, I had a realization. Yes, life is a cycle, and I have to do something about it. I have made the wrong decisions before and I know I can correct it. I have to tap all my talents to become a more productive person and to resolve all my troubles.

I can do this. I will do this.

I just have to make sacrifices from the mean time, give up things (either temporarily or for good) and re-arrange my life, pick up the pieces until I am able to glue up everything back in shape.

And to my friends who never stopped believing that I can stand up and fight however tough the challenges that I am going through, THANK YOU SO MUCH!

To the one Up Above, I know you are just making me realize things. Thank you for opening my eyes. I may be shaken at times but at the end of the day, I am lifting everything to you. Thank you! You rock!;)

I'll keep holding on and fighting. AJA!

1 I am not OK

There, I have said it.

I am not ok.
I feel insecure.
I am down.

And then there were tears...

0 Snail Mail

Well I received a card last week. NO it ain't an e-card on email. Its a real Hallmark card via snail mail. It contained a note of appreciation from a friend. 'Twas really touching. In this world of Internet and email, a tangible card with all the written text in it is indeed a wonderful surprise.

Yes dear, you were able to say your thanks the most memorable way possible.

Thank you too! :)

0 And then the floodgates were opened...

Lately I have been on a shitty ride, financial crisis was on its peak and the emotional drama was high. Yes, I may seem A-okay but am definitely not. The only thing that I cling to is my strong belief that God would never leave me but instead carry me in times of trouble plus my tried and tested friends and loving mom and bro. At times when I think of giving up, I end up crying my a**, and wallowing on self-pity. Yes, I am almost like a beggar asking for a piece of bread. Even the small things that I enjoy such as coffee became a luxury that I feel blessed that mankind has invented such a thing as discount coupons. Little knew how dire my situation is for I don't wanna talk about it. I sacrificed some things which I owned just to cope up with the expenses.

Then came 4th of July weekend. I should have been enjoying Iloilo and Bacolod with mom and bro but mom and I both agreed to postpone the trip. Instead, we opted to go to the nearest mall clinic for check-up. I must say I fear hospitals. There's something eerie in it for me. But then I braved and pushed my luck coz I really don't feel good anymore about something in my system.

Yes, I faced the doctor and found out what was truly bugging me. It is something that would be in my system for the rest of my life (don't worry fellas it ain't HIV). My mom on the other hand, being my dependent, enjoyed her share of health card perks. I even accompanied her when she went for her scheduled lab tests the following day.

What struck my reality was when, since as I have mentioned that we're in a financial trouble, mom texted me that she was thankful that I got her the card for she would not be able to go and have a physical examination and lab test not because of fear but because she would rather use the money in some other ways to ease out troubles. Upon reading the message, my tears fell like an overflowing well. That's when I realized the big difference of how my life is now compared before when we still have a bakery and store that every Sunday lunch was a feast and we get most perks that we deserve (well I actually need to work hard to get it). I was sobbing like a baby and I couldn't care less if I was on board a public van.

Yes I know someday I'll be able to gather myself out of this mess.

So much for my Fourth of July drama.

Later!

0 Starting Anew

I have found my way back. I am returning to the things I love and enjoy. these pet projects include, restoring a bike and using it as well as writing short stories (love stories for that matter)

Some of the plots include:

~A crazy story of two people from some Chinese territory trying to express their love despite the barriers.
~A not so happily-ever-after
~The waiting game

Yes, the stories may be conventional plots but the twists will do the trick...

Later!

0 You

I dunno what kind of bug has bitten me.
The YOU bug perhaps.
Whenever am idle, it is you that occupy my thoughts.
You pop like a speech bubble in my head,
and just like cartoons,
you are there,
doing your thing.
YOU have given me such great memories that I can't erase.
Yes, YOU are permanently inked
tattooed not in my mind
but in this organ enclosed between the bones of my chest
Cheesy, yes.
True, definitely.
You're like a dream that will never be true.
Probably a nightmare that will haunt me forever.

I am starting to hate myself for

being petrified by just a mere vision of YOU
being stunned
being speechless
being occupied with memories that have long should been forgotten. :(

0 Standards

Yesterday, me and my tickles had a text marathon that ended up in a topic about "you-should-have-a-guy-am gonna-introduce-you-to-someone"

On the course of the conversation, upon telling her for the nth time, on how I define the "ideal" guy, I, again, came across this line " The prob Lee is that you are super Ms. Independent and responsible I think it would be hard for me to find someone who would equate or even surpass that the level..."

I dunno. When did being "independent" and "responsible" became a very distracting attitude?

Not that am ranting but thoughts came flooding in:

~am I really that strong that it seems to be that I don't need that other person?
~is being responsible and independent too intimidating?
~if yes, does that mean am on the dead end already? hahaha!

OMG! hahaha!

0 Here comes the Bride

Guess I did it again, making one's wedding a truly memorable experience...

Though I haven't had the opportunity to take great pictures, its fun to know that the couple, their families, relatives and friends enjoyed the party.

And finally I realized this is what I wanna do...
To make every couple's dream wedding possible, organized and fun... :)

1 Change

From now on, am gonna apply this force called CHANGE in my system. That, ladies and gentlemen, will be for the better and would hopefully create more efficiency in my day to day living.

And like they say in Star Wars: May the force by with me.

0 Screwing Up

I shouldn't be holding a pen anymore and pretend that I can write when the truth of the matter is I cannot.
I can not even accomplish writing an academic paper, how pathetic!
Am such a failure.
TOTALLY!

0 Battered

Never thought that the one guy I was trusting not to hurt me both physically and emotionally (not in a million years) did just that all at the same time. The one guy who is supposed to love me unconditionally despite all the dramas and shits. The one guy who came from the same womb as I do, who celebrates the same natal day as I do had just, well gave me the most number of injuries I had, for the record, in my whole damn life. Forget about the physical pain, it can heal. But a wounded heart and a shattered respect plus the drama that yes, I might really be the person he accuses me to be but its just that no damn brave soul can tell it straight into my face (being a kabit, tamad, bobo, tanga and yes the most hurtful Pinoy curse one can throw in the name of your mom) will never be cured by a mere bandage or a head xray (which I might just need now) coupled with mefenamics and topical painkillers.

Yes I am battered.

1 Stagnant

For some reason, I feel like am stuck in a big bad mess full of revelations and uncertainties. I still harbor some thoughts that make me really blue. Yeah I must say, I guess this is a matter of being contented with the things surrounding me. And my inner wishes of someone to understand and comfort me rule.

But here I am searching for the unknown.
I am not living, I am only existing.

Hell... this ain't right...

I should know how important the 5Ws and 1H, yet no matter how I have mastered those, am still not able to use it to its fullest. I cannot even apply the theories to the way that I am suppose to live my friggin' life.

IN this little space, I can be all emo, all sad and I couldn't care less as to how people would perceive me. After all, they have already created an image of me far beyond who I really am.

Hell, this is just one shitty crap re-written and re-purposed all over again and I HATE it!

0 B for Betrayal

Betrayal of trust in friendship is equal to:

~end of all communication
~crumbled circle of friends (or taking sides for that matter)
~hurtful words thrown here, there and everywhere.

However, should this be patched, still it would be hard to mend a cracked trust.

0 Snaps

Finally completed my basic photography course. The verdict: Amazing!

Coming up with a good pic is hell tasking, but who am I to complain? I am sooo loving it... :)

I had lots of realizations during the workshop, plus I gained a new batch of friends. Kewl indeed!

0 The day I start MISSING

Sometimes no matter how toughie my exteriors are
I still crave for girly things most girls do
Like long walks in the park, kisses under the moon, feeling another hand entwined with yours
Preparing your meals, sharing with you my dreams
Simply put
loving.

Sometimes

I miss being with you.
I dunno.
Though I wonder

Do I miss you?
Or do I miss the things we used to do?

1 Stepping Back

After my long letter and some sort of revenge I am now willing to shut up and start a new.
Still a long journey though.
God give me strength.

0 Thank GOD for Friends

I
thank the one ABOVE
for showering me
with great friends

They scream
They get mad
They listen
They give a helping hand

Things may be a mess
But they lessen my distress

Friends, friends
I am with
big thanks!

0 And so the wind blows

If in time this does not go well with us...
Let me just say this

Thank you
for the
honesty
openness
and
the love.

It may be short lived
we may surpass the test of times

who knows?

Not me.
Not you.

But then again

THANK YOU!

0 Ang Pumatol...Talo

Ginising ako ng isang text message.
Kasinungalingan sa mga panahong napagtanto ko na ang katotohanan.

Pagmamakaawa
Pagsusumamo
O maaari din namang " emotional blackmail"

Kahit ano pang sabihin mo
Hindi ako patitinag.
Meron akong ebidensya

Hindi ako nananagasa.
Hindi ako nananapak.
Hindi ako nang-aagaw.

Ikaw
mag-isip ka
ginugulo mo ba ko dahil sa panghihinayang?
dahil sa pagiging makasarili?
o maari din namang sa parehong dahilan.

At muli't muli tama nga ang mga maalam
Ang pagsisisi lagi na'y asa huli...

0 Tandem

Chaotic the situation may seem
But you and me will remain a team

You'll fly, yes, you'll take time, yes
But that ain't synonymous
To saying goodbye

Our plans are still our plans
Slowing down yes we must

In time
God's time
We will know
How it would really be...

0 Ibang direksyon

Umihip na ba ang hangin?
Tumalikod na ba sa akin ang simoy o
nakikihamok pa rin kami sa lakas ni Habagat?

Baka naman ako nalang
ang ganito
ang lumalaban
mag-isa.

0 Palaisipan

Nababagabag. Yun ang nararamdaman ko sa ngayon. May mga suliraning gusto ng matapos. Mga tanong na gustong masagot. Alam ko kinakailangan ng konti pang panahon para matapos ang lahat. Ngunit minsan, nakakaramdam na rin naman ng pagkapagal ang isip, ng pagkahapo ang puso. Minsan, ninanais ko na lang sumuko, bumitiw, tumakbo. Pero isa yung karuwagan. 

Kung susuriin ang mga pananaw ng mga tao sa palgid, lahat sila'y nagbibigay ng pag-asa na maayos din ang lahat. Pero mas ninais kong ilapit nalang sa Panginoon ang mga problema. 

0 The Storm

Rain has started to pour on us
Strongly
Hard winds blowing
Strongly
Lightning and thunder has made its presence known
Strongly

We will surpass this
We will survive
At a rainbow we will gaze
A sunshine we'll embrace

0 Tears

Again, it invades my eyes and flows non-stop.
Just when I thought I already had enough.

When will my tear ducts ever dry up?

Am about to surrender
So please, give me a reason to hold on
To fight
And to still believe in love.

0 Down

Hormonal?
Emotional?

Maybe.

One thing is for sure.

Am blue.

0 Blame it on GranMa

Thanks to the borrowed courage from GranMa I was able to tell him how I feel.
Good thing there were no awkward morning after conversations about it.

Never again will I drink GranMa. It is a promise.

1 Recovery

A week after the mind boggling comprehensive exams, am still barking like a dog (not good) though I (think) I already had enough rest to relax my thoughts of any Communication related concepts and what nots.

Hell yeah, a few more days and I'll be completing most of my papers.


Btw, chopping of some of my crowning glory's unwanted inches and shaping my unibrow made me feel lighter than ever. Though my frizzy hair is still a prob, I am, however, loving the riot of my curls...think I have to buy a good ol' round hairbrush and a good styling product to tame the mane. :)

0 Appreciation

A reason to enjoy my work (no matter how shitty it could be at times)

Working at your own pace
In your own comfort zone

Just like now.

The busy streets of Makati on the background+hot tea+free wifi access+great sounds = chillaxing work mode

Simple, yes.
Shallow, yes.
Tranquil, definitely. :)

0 Tiny Creations Called Babies

Visiting a nursery and seeing little adorable babies makes me envy green of their parents. Wish I could have one without experiencing the pains of labor and delivery. Oh well, there is adoption but they say seeing the face of your child suffices all the birth pains a mom endures.

Too my future Aykah or Itoh...
In time my dearest, we will be together...:)

0 And she joins the world

She's almost at the finish line. Zooming out to nine months of wait while zooming in to years of motherhood.

Congratulations!

0 This made me teary eyed

This ain't about the published article that I wrote. What made me teary eyed is the thought that someone's more than willing to tell the world that am capable and that she's proud of me and my work (she photographed my article and uploaded it in Facebook, in the caption she stated how proud she was of my work). What even surprised me is that she won't bother uploading her own portraits (she's a total cam whore) but she made an effort to go online an make a folder showcasing the magazine article I wrote.


(a photo hacked from her FB account)

That lifted my almost doomed self-confidence.

Call me stupid, but yeah I was a lil 'jahe' over what she did (it really aint necessary) but hey it made me realized how loved I am.

Just what I need to start my next quarter life on a good note...

And to you my precious friend...gracias!

0 Unreliable Ako. Bow,

Ipinagkakanulo na ako ng mga luhang pilit sumisilay sa aking mata. Manhid na ang pakiramdam. Pagod na ang isip na umintindi. Na pagbulayan kung sino ang tama, ano ang mali o saan nagkamali. Mahirap pakitunguhan ang damdaming samu't-sari. Hindi pa man nakakapagsalita'y pagod na ang mga labing usalin ang mga paliwanag.

Unreliable.

Sa totoo lang, hindi ko na alam kung saan lululugar, kung paano makikitungo. Siguro nga'y sadyang hindi ko binigyang pagpapahalaga kung ano mang bagay ang meron ako. Ngunit paano mo pahahalagahan ang isang bagay na sa simula pa'y minarkahan ka na. Na alam mong kahit anong pilit mong ipakita ang iyong kakayahan ay hindi yun magiging sapat upang umabot ka sa standard. Maaring masyado akong naging "petiks."

Sabi nga, sa isang libong tamang iyong gagawin, ang isang pagkakamali ay magdudulot ng lamat na higit sa dami ng tamang naipakita. Sadya bang mas madaling sabihin ang panlilibak kesa umusal ng papuri't pasasalamat?

Siguro nga'y sadyang balat-sibuyas lamang ako, o di kaya'y nasaling ang pride. Aminado akong nakagawa din naman ako ng pagkakamali. Siguro nga'y mas naging matimbang ang aking mga pagkakamali.

Isisi na lang natin ang lahat sa akin ng matapos na ang rigodon...

0 Days Short Before 2010

Working my way to having a better and more fruitful year ahead.
WoW from someone in the land of maple leaves:

"If it's not working already, learn to let go..."

I will in a...
Month
Week
Day.

1 Click!

I know am still sloppy in terms of using my new baby but still lemme share to you some pics

0 The List

The latest members of my gadget/goodies kingdom

a.) Canon EOS 1000d
b.) Boxing uniform
-- Nike Cross Trainers
-- Yellow Hand Wraps
-- Boxing Shorts
c.) Red Swatch watch (got it for free baby!)
d.) 350 gig Fujitsu HDD
e.) A Starbucks planner

Wish list:

a.) A pair of purple 8oz Twin gloves
b.) Coffee maker
c.) Electric Fan
d.) Stove Top Oven
e.) DVD player

In the list which I made last year, here are my so-called accomplishments

a.) A Passport
b.) A Sun Cellular phone line
c.) Credit card approval
d.) A touch-screen mobile phone

And these are the things I miserably failed to do: (very lazy me)

a.) Submit my masteral requirements on time
b.) Get an SSS ID
c.) Visit NHMF regarding our home mortgage
d.) Settle dad's death claim
e.) Open a bank account

1 Inked

I now dub thee
"Water-bearing Hibiscus"

0 That salty water from the windows of one's soul

Working from home over the past month has given me a lot of idle time to reminisce the things that occurred this year. It is ending anytime soon but I feel like there are still a lot of heart-stopping moments about to unleash. With all those emotionally-challenging events, it is but amazing that tears were never a constant companion. In fact, it swayed away from stinging my eyes. One of the two, am already too numb or past circumstances had already molded me to become strong.

This coming thanksgiving, am planning to run away somewhere far. I know that island is such a happening place but to be in the company of strangers for days somehow gives me that inner peace since I don't have to deal with explaining myself. I could cry by the shore or sit by the rocks, write things in the sand, have my body tattooed and nobody would give a shit.

And yes, I miss the feeling of having cried my heart out... It makes me feel better. Guess I've cried my share when pappy left... :(

0 Solitude

While...

~raindrops kept pouring outside like there's no tomorrow
~everyone's getting married or preparing for motherhood
~some are enjoying being with their love

Here I am...

~ listening to the rhythm of the rain
~ sipping a hot cup of coffee
~ enjoying the bliss this solitude brings in the land I call 'home'

Alas! Life though not perfect but indeed at its finest... :)

1 Preso Kalayaan

Bukas, sa isang pirasong papel ay lalagda ako upang maging ganap na isang taumbahay.
Madami pa ang maaring mangyari, pero ang alam ko, siguro'y paraan na ito upang magsimula ako ng bago, mas bago. Ilang taon ko na ring iniinda ang mumunting kirot na hatid ng paligid na aking ginagalawan sa nakalipas ng dalawang taon. Sadyang kaybilis lumipad ng mga sandali. Heto ako ngayon at kumakawala sa bangungot ng kahapon, hindi sa paraang patakas bagkus marahil ay natapos ko na ang takdang taning upang inidahin lahat ng pait at makamtam ang kalayaang sadyang dapat ay matagal ng napasaakin. Malungkot ang maging tila preso sa apat na sulok ng aking tahanan ngunit na nakalipas na panahon ay naging piping saksi ang mga pader nito sa mga hikbi at luhang aking pilit na kinukubli sa mata ng madla. Sigurado, maraming bagay akong hahanap-hanapin. Ang tunog ng kalyeng sa simula pa'y mababakasan na ng kaginhawahan. Ang mga nagkikislapang ilaw sa mga mall at gusaling aking araw-araw dinadaanan. Ang busina at usok ng tambutso mula sa mga pampasaherong bus. Ang pikikipagsiksikan sa MRT, pagpilit gumising ng maaga upang dumating lang din naman ng late sa trabaho. Samu't saring bagay na naging parte na ng aking pang araw-araw. Alam ko, hindi ito ibibigay sakin ng walang dahilan o kung walang buting idudulot. Marahil panahon na upang pagbulay-bulayan ko ang aking mga saloobin, mga paniniwala at mga adikhain. Hindi ako sumusuko, bagkus humaharap ako sa panibagong yugto ng aking buhay. Sa mga nakasalamuha, nakatalamitam, nakaututang-dila at nakasalsalan ko ng isip...SALAMAT.

Oo. Marahil ako'y tila magiging isang preso sa aking mumunting sulok. Pero ang pasyang ito'y mas magdudulot ng mas malalim na kalayaan sa aking puso't isipan.

Hanggang sa muli bayan ng komersyo...Salamat sa mga alaala...

1 Next Chapter Please

Shock was indeed an understatement.
Human I am. I won't pretend that everything's fine. I'll cry a tear or two, but after that, I know I'll be better and far stronger. No use to crying over spilt milk.
We are all matured enough to face another day.
And to move forward to a more colorful horizon.

Whatever is in store for me, que sera sera...

0 Try

Try honesty.
Really.
It ain't a bad thing.

0 Gonna Catch Yah

After waiting for weeks and tons of good reviews from family and friends, I decided to give in...

See yah later, alligator!

0 Bull's Eye

So me. Exactly. Thanks Amber!

1 Pluma

Minsan parang ayaw ko ng sumulat.
Bakit?
Dahil parang hindi ko rin naman makuha kung anong gusto nila
At alam ko rin namang
Markado na ako.
Na hindi ako sing-galing tulad nila.

Sabi ng isang kaibigan, wag daw mag-alinlangan
Dahil ang antas ng talino ay iba-iba
At tiyak mapapanglaw ang may lalang
Pag ang talento'y di pinagyaman.

1 Onion Layers

According to the Social Penetration Theory, getting to know a person and starting to build rapport is rapid at the start but it becomes slower when one starts getting deeper and already nearing the inner core of the other person, which could range from his deep dark secrets, emotions and deep-seated values. Just like an onion, it gets tightly packed on the middle. Getting to the core means dealing with the depth and breadth of the person, which can be really touchy.

There is also a point when one depenetrates in a relationship, let's say something bad happens and you decided to start staying away from the person. You get to move away from his inner to outer core little by little until such time you become plain old acquaintances.

Lately, it seems like this whole theory is getting on me, on the reverse side though.

Little by little, am starting to move inch by inch away to most people. Or so I think.

Or maybe the circumstances lead me to this feeling and that it is not I who is moving away but them.

And during this times, I abhor studying communication theories... :(

0 The Gamble

The matters of my heart has become a hot topic for most of my gal pals from different circles over the past couple of weeks. Nobody's betting on who or what, however, they are unanimously rooting for a particular person, telling me that if the guy makes me darn happy then I should go for it.

One friend even compared this heart game into a card game, she explained to me all her cards, all her options. She even said something about her prayers. However, at the end of the day, she reiterated that she won't gamble me that easy. That she, along with another circle of gal pals, will hate to see me crying a river again. She also cleared that she ain't the one involved here and the decision will still come from yours truly.

Yes girls, I certainly agree. All your options were so damn pleasant to the ears. But still, it is anybody's ballgame. And we don't even know how is it going on his end. I can only wonder and hope and pray. However, I believe that if God would allow it, then I can say that yes, there truly are miracles.

Que sera sera...

0 Getting Hitched

Two years ago, I met this wonderful lass. Lil did we know that we would become really good friends. To my surprise, she woke me with her text message last August 8, informing me, that yes, as the title of this post goes she's getting hitched August 15.

Initial Reaction: Dropped jaw, really erratic heartbeat and a short "EWAN" sms.

Lemme share the scenario. About a month ago, she asked if I could help her arrange her "cousin's" wedding. The dutiful friend that I am agreed. I emailed her notes, texted her reminders and gave her a call whenever she has queries. Out of the blue, I told her in one of our conversations, "If I know, this is your wedding that we are preparing..." Zoom in to August 8, yes the running joke boomeranged on me. It was her wedding all along. Christ!

She even misinterpreted my reaction that I wasn't happy for her. It ain't true. You may have told me the best and the worst times of your relationship but it does not give me the right to be unhappy. On the contrary, I am truly happy.

I being her dutiful friend, agreed to be her wedding coordinator/emcee.

Fast track to August 14. Note to self , not to sleep beside the bride the night before her wedding. You won't get a good night sleep. Seriously. ;)

August 15. The ceremony went the way the groom and the bride wanted it to be. And am so happy to be able to contribute and make their dream come true. A bonus was that though it was raining cats and dogs outside, it was raining men at the venue. Handsome guys in their own rights. And I was able to meet fun people who were also willing to make the event fun as well.

Funny part of the wedding was when the groom asked me to sleep with them at their condo unit. I politely said no. What the hell am I suppose to do there? Judge? Referee? Or scorer perhaps? You decide...

To the newlyweds, need I say more? I have already written those on the dedication notebook.

Oh wait, looking forward to the pictures though... And to my future God child... :)

1 Inferior

How to explain being little?
Is it
Being vertically challenged?
Or
having less cerebral prowess perhaps.

How do you gauge greatness?
superiority?
intelligence?

And when one feels inferior
who is to blame?
is it
himself?
the superior ones?
or
the standards?

1 Hey You

Hey you, yes you...
I wanna let you into what I feel
The nostalgia you bring during my solitude
A bliss that turned into longing

Hey you, yes you...
I crumble, I stumble
I may not look so
But God knows I do...

Hey you, yes you
In a line I put these verses
Plain and simple
I miss you.

0 Dreaming of a White Graduation

Now I realize, I love being in school and challenging my mind in studying people and how the society walk/talk/react.

What was more amazing was when my undergrad thesis was passed around the class by our professor as an example. Though I was so happy to see how they scan through the pages and felt so proud about my work, I also felt pressure...pressure on the underlying, unexpressed, expectations. In a few weeks time, I am going to face the same people who took a glimpse of my sample work and answer all the nerve-racking questions as they scrutinize my paper.

Some classmates jokingly stated they wanna drop already. Research writing ain't a piece of cake really. It just takes time and deserve utmost attention, or lemme say dedication.

I know one day, am gonna march that stage wearing that white thingamaging around my neck (sorry, dunno the term for that color-coded cloth you put above your toga, hehehe!)

But for now, back to reality, starting to work my ass again...

Till then...

0 The Trouble with Economics

Twas a warm Sunday when my younger brother and I decided to go out to splurge moolah and make stores richer (we haven't done that for months now). He was contemplating whether or not to buy a DQ or a cup of frappuccino since, upon his observation, a cup of Blizzard at Trinoma costs more that how it used to in other branches. And so the conversation goes:

Scenario: Headng to All Flip Flops, he was walking ahead of me.

KidBro: Bakit ganun, sa DQ Araneta Center, cheaper yung Blizzard tapos mas malaki yung size, bat dito, same price smaller size?
Me: Really? Well ganun talaga, recession eh, lahat na halos nagmahal.

He slowly looks at his back, caught my eye and said

KidBro: Oo nga ate eh. Ikaw na lang ang hindi nagmamahal.

And there I was, standing and staring at him. The only thing I was able to utter was a sarcastic "Salamat ha."

So much for knowing the world's global recession issue.

0 Going Vintage

1972 Chevrolet Chevelle Super Sport



The 1966 Chevrolet Corvette Sting Ray (C2)



The 1957 Chevrolet Bel Air Convertible

The 1966 Mercedes Benz W133

Some kewl rides displayed at SM The Block last June 21.
Pimp my vintage baby!

0 Still Your Little Girl

I thought I was strong, but hell I long for that one person who has taught me to laugh despite broke and disabled...my pappy. And am missing him so darn badly I ended up crying.

0 Zane+Moi= Out of the Blue Trips

Twas the 23rd of May, after the tedious campaign, Zane and I decided to reward ourselves. At around 6 p.m., we are aboard a bus at Cubao to Tagaytay. Seiously, we aint have a clear plan of what we wanna do, we just wanna go there. Three hours later, we are both beaming as we reached Tagaytay rotonda. Since everything was pretty unplanned and we are both "newbies" in the area (we have been to Tagaytay but this was our first time to come there on commute), I felt kinda lost seeing only colorful lamposts. After a short prayer asking for guidance so as not to be lost, I saw the sign...it aint the shinning star of Bethlehem but the distinct green logo of Starbucks. Without second thoughts we went down the bus and explored the lights and sights of Tagaytay by night.

Let our photographs tell the rest of our unplanned trip




bus ride to Tagaytay: Fare: 121 bucks



At Leslie's entrance...boy we're hungry not only with food but with photos to treasure the night




Zane's contemplating what to have for dinner (for sure there'd be no more chocolate cupcakes...hehehe!)






Dinner is served!

Menu: Since we are on a tight budget, we opt for simple yet delectable Sinigang na Tanigue. Yummy!




After feasting...Zane acted as a fairy godmother and granted my long term dream... coffee @ Starbucks Tagaytay

0 To The Light

Whether it was second childhood or a simple craving that you wanted a ginormous pizza or a steaming bowl of Chinese noodles, don't worry 'coz twas cute.

The glow in your eyes when we were in your so-called playground of endless silvers and chinas, and found joy by just merely looking at them was indeed precious.

The way you laugh and cheer whenever we beat the computer opponent in Family Feud sounds really melodic.

If only I could capture and preserve these moments, I would.

You are cool and smart
Brave and loving
Patient, patient, patient

What more can I ask?

For the person who loves me and kid bro unconditionally

Beyond our tantrums
our hardheadedness
No matter how fat or ugly we feel, still you see us as your beautiful lil angels.

To you our light, a day of delight.

I love you.

0 Just so you know

It ain't that easy...really.
For now
Just let me be.

0 Silver

It began today...25 years ago
The start of an ardor that lead me here

It may have ended on a sad note
Still I need to be grateful

Thy bond may have been broken
Six-feet under the other half went

To you I offer who I am now
You made me whole, my existence complete

I love you.

0 And so The Script kinda read my thoughts

It's been a while since the two of us talked
About a week since the day that you walked
Knowing things would never be the same
With your empty heart and mine full of pain

So explain to me how it came to this
Take it back to the night we kissed
It was Dublin city on a Friday night
With vodkas and coke, I was getting insomniac

We were sitting with our backs against the world
Saying things that we thought but never heard
Oh, who would've thought it would end up like this

But everything we talked about is gone
And the only chance we have of moving on
Was trying to take it back before it all went wrong

Before the worst, before we met
Before our hearts decided it?s time to love again
Before too late, before too long
Let's try and take it back before it all went wrong

0 Bangin

Ako.
Nalaglag.
Bangin.
Malalim.
Madilim.
Sumisigaw.
Tulong.
Liwanag.
Ga-hibla.
Nababanaag.
Umaahon.
Pilit.
Bato.
Kinakapitan.
Dahan-dahan.
Uusad.
Ngunit.
Unti-unti.
Bumubulusok.
Pabalik.
Tumatagal.
Lumalalim.
Ako.
Nananatili.
Nahihirapan.
Naghihintay.
Sumisigaw.
Umiiyak.
Pag-asa.
Pilit.
Binaabanaag.
Nagbabakasakali.
Gigising.
Umaga.
Nakaahon.
Nakausad.
Bangin.
Bangungot.
Ako.
Magpapaalam.

0 10 Years of Rated_PG

A toast to ten years of
fun,
tears,
joys,
pains
and most importantly
unwavering friendship!

Yeah, we are certified Beerkadas!

No matter how bad sounding "Patay Gutom" is
We have given the term a new twist...

"Patay Gutom" = relieve hunger

We long to conquer hunger with good food, hearty laughs, humor and witty conversations.
Or simply choose to "Go Green" even in simplest things.

Long live our intertwined stomachs!

0 If Only...

Rather slap me than tell me that I don't wanna do things for you 'coz you know it ain't true.
It's not just you who have burdens.
It's not just you who's stressed out.
It's not just you.
Think of the people 'round you, their situation.
You don't own the world's greatest miseries, there are some who carries a greater load than you.
Don't just throw accusations and point fingers.
Try asking why.
If only you know.
If you only ask.
Maybe, if you just try
You gonna hurt people less.

0 Responsibilities and Longings

Got a lil loaded over tons of writing blah. But I did, however, accomplished a lot of things the last few days that makes feel all adult and responsible. Been back to reading paperbacks lately as well. Makes my life a lil normal now but still having some questions popping my mind and tasks waiting to be done.

While things are getting somewhat normalize, my alter-ego still possess unbearable longing of some sort.

Time will pass...it will get by.

0 One Down

Already finished one semester of my masteral. It feels good to know that your hard work gets appreciated (Doc Joey's commendation about our paper's so damn cool!). I still have to make a module and curriculum though. Statistics exam went well too. (Chicken as what I told my cousins but I pray it doesn't give me and egg...nyeahahahahaha!!!)

Still have Org Comm to face.

So far so good...:)

0 Wishes

Been getting a lot of answered wishes lately.
Ain't that good though, coz' it leaves me all the more confused.
Zane's right.
I should be careful about the things I wish for.
Seriously.

0 Simple life

And I thought life can be a little less complicated this time.
I assumed wrong.
Totally.

0 Just a Thought iii

Would you deny being in a relationship with someone when the only reason that he left you is because he...died?"

How do you answer the question "Are you in a relationship?" when the only reason you are no longer with him is because he passed away. Do you say YES, and take the pains of narrating each heartbreaking detail that will send you to tears later on or simply say NO and feel guilty of denying the person who holds your heart.

Tough...really tough.

To my new found buddy...I feel you.

0 Of Aprons and Boxers

Your nearness sends me to the highest
The 911 of my distress
So close...real close
Only in my dreams

0 And so they think am a sports buff

First is my "all canal" stunt in that so-called OU bowling tournament.
Yeah it was. *Shame on me*

But lemme redeem myself a little, it was my first time to play ten pin bowling in my 24 years of existence. And I came there just for fun. Having the balls all canal makes it all frustrating and funny at the same time. Its like every bowling ball I touch gets cursed and are bound to that sidelines.

Now, our good ol' El President just sent me an SMS informing me that I'll be playing badminton on Saturday. What makes it harder for me to say no was the fact that the program chair requested that I play. Jesus!

I know I can somehow score on this one but am already rusty. The last time I played serious badminton was for the love of grade during college freshmen PE.

This is getting somewhat like hell...

0 Just a Thought ii

Being a member of the cultural minority does not give you the license to coerce and harass people to give you alms and is not an excuse for you not to work and to depend solely on other people for your daily living."

I have nothing against our brothers and sisters from the cultural minority but what happened to me is such a scary experience.

0 Red Letter Day

To my bro and Zane, who are both adding a new chapter in their book like I do, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

0 New Titles

In a span of one week, I have already bought 5 books, 2 of which I got for Buy 1 Take 1 @ 99Php. Nice!
Titles that are piled up for my future readings are:

• Mac Arthur
• Ang Alamat ng Gubat
• The Painter (A Novel of Rembrandt's most secret seduction)
  
• Low Red Moon
• The Webster Chronicle

Am still not yet through with Amy Tan's Joy Luck Club... O.o? O well, I could always collect them then read later. Hihihi!

0 Weird and New Things

10 Weird Things

RULES: Each player of this game starts off by making a weblog post, listing ten(10) weird things/habits or little known facts about himself/herself, then tagging six (6) other bloggers to do the same. No tagbacks.

1. Sending me to a good night sleep means having my mom slapping gently my thighs ("tapik tapik as what I call it.)

2. My fave condiment in the world is vinegar and am afraid of pale-colored ketchups (quite chossy when it comes to the latter).

3. I'd rather see real life mumus than enter a horror booth, ride a horror train or watch a horror flick.

4. Am starting an arachnid collection particulary tarantulas.

5. I can't stand BO (body odor). I'd even text my friends if I smell one but can't vent it out in public.

6. I used to do voice overs at school, but I always get guy roles (my voice qualifies for bad guy villain, rapist or mafia leader than a sweet little girl or bitchy lady as they say).

7. My greatest frustrations are: being the CAT Corps Commander and Theater Artist

8. Give me a room that's messy, I'll leave it as it is, even messier. Give me a clean room and the OC in me comes to life.

9. I share most of the special ocassions in my life with my kid bro. (same bday, same graduation day, etc. etc.)

10. I remove the peel of bottled beverages first before I drink it.

8 NEW FACTS...

In the 8 facts about you, you share 8 things that your readers don’t know about you.

Then at the end, you tag 8 other bloggers to keep the fun going.
– Each blogger must post these rules first.
– Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
– Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules.
– At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.
– Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.

1. I love the waters but whenever I can no longer touch the sea bed, I tend to panic.

2. I always amaze and frustrate my friends whenever we do shoe shopping. I am picky with my shoes and whenever I find the style I like, the next big question is the size (am size 5). Am already so used of hearing "last size na po yan eh" or "smallest size display lang po" (when did it ever happen that the smallest shoe size is 7?!) And when I don't get my size or the style that I like, I throw tantrums and blame it all to myself.

3. Win me not with chocolates and flowers but with a good book, nice conversation and hot mocha. (But tulips, preferably lavender, is another story)

4. I work easier with guys, gays and girls-who-think-like-guys than with girly-girly girls.

5. I can be jack of all trades and love DIY. Screwing nuts and bolts, assembling cabinets and electric fans, painting the walls, etc. etc.

6. Birthdays should always come with a birthday cake.

7. Love shades, flops, sand, the sunset, moon and stars. Waterfalls are majestic. HHWW by the sea and kissing under the brightly lit moon romantic.

8. I think I can beat you in billiards. ;p

0 Eat and be merry

The past week has been a play of taste and mouth-watering goodness. First stop, the newly renovated, rock-oriented H&E (Heaven & Eggs). From a homey, garden breakfast setup, its interiors have been painted to both express art and rock. Its chandelier, a combination of LP vinyls and discoball lit the whole resto. The menu was also overhauled to carry the names of famous rockstars with their classic dishes.

SFX: Nirvana Unplugged followed by Maroon 5 MTVs.

Sample of their heart-stopping dishes:




Next stop:

After two days of attempting to stop by for dinner, we were able to eat at JiPan last Friday. Judging the food, presentation is A++, with a taste like your eating in one of Japan's side street food houses.

0 Change is Coming to America

Currently doing: Watching Obama's sworn in.

Obama fever just getting started. Goodluck!

0 Somebody

So she's on the road finding that someone "matino" for me.
If she's gonna select one, boy, looks like this one's gonna be a little scary.
I hope she realizes that we are opposite poles in terms of defining "matino"
Good Luck!

0 Stayin' Connected

Alas! Havin' a broadband connection is addicting.
A perfect cure for sleepless night filled with tons of creative juice. Makes me wanna blog all the more. Hihihi!

0 ...

Here we go again...
Please
Do not make me wish all the more

0 Till We Meet Again

It took some time for me to be able to gather my strength and write my farewell to one important person in my life.

December 31, 2008

What seemed to be a happy new year to some became the most clouded day of my life. I woke up hearing the labored breathing of my dad, who was seated in front of the television. At the back of my mind, I know it was the day, though in my silent prayers am hoping that the nurses could still do something about it. That he could still be revived. I must have drank an ample dose of courage for me to be able to accept the bad news, he was DOA. At around 5 a.m., he already left me and my bro.

I tried to be as calm as possible. Being her daughter and the eldest immediate relative, I faced some of the hardest questions of my life, questions that I wished school has taught me. But really, the harshest lessons in life are from reality. Burial, casket, transit and interment. I have to be responsible for those. I called my mom, who calmly accepted the news and prepared the necessaries for my dad's transfer to Laguna. Calling his siblings however, was a different story.

My aunt, bro and I sat beside his casket during the trip home. I must thank the funeral parlor cause they really took care of us during the whole trip. My dad still looked "gwapo" in his barong and gray slacks.

13 years ago, I could still vividly recall my lola's death, the same date as my father's. Then, we still celebrated New Year and had our share of games. But now, things have totally changed. No New Year greetings and cheers. Me, mom and bro tucked together and slept peacefully amid the blast of firecrackers outside, for the next couple of days, sleep will be out of the picture.

The wake lasted 3 days and 3 nights. Friends and relatives come and go expressing their
support. Travel to Nagcarlan is a feat, and the effort alone to get there and be with us during our darkest days is more than enough to be thankful for.

His sent off was peaceful, the sun shone brightly that day. The church was filled with family, friends, relatives and colleagues. He was accompanied by my cousin's little angel, Edward Albert.

Pappy is now at peace and sleeping. I know, his now smiling at me together with Ina, Ama, and his sibs above. I may have not been very vocal to him about it, but pappy, I do hope that you felt how much I care for you. Yes, maybe I am truly a papa's girl, though I may not admit it. I'm sure gonna miss you. Our kulitan, the laughter, the way you wake me every morning and remind me that I need to go to work. The way you tease how chubby I am and how I would retort "di bale, cute naman ako."

One day, our roads will meet again...

I love you.

0 Just a Thought i

Minsan hindi mo kailangan ng PAYO. Ang kailangan mo lang ay isang taong MAKIKINIG."

0 HA!

What a mess?!
After a freakin @**** incident
Am now stuck without dough in this season of cheers
What else do I have to endure?

Me really wanna cry my heart out... :(

0 No More You

Had more than enough of you.
This gotta end in time.
Good thing 'twas sooner.
So for you.
End it is.

0 D@mn!

Your a confusion.
Temptation.
Hell.
Hate this feeling.
A roller coaster ride.
Screw this.
Am moving forward.
Than be whole lotta crazy.